POEM: Holding on to Truth

(This poem was posted today on my church’s blog: http://www.ktorradio.com/templetalk/ so feel free to visit and read our postings. I wrote this poem and was immediately encouraged by what God gave me, so I was led to share it and encourage all of you. Take care and God bless!)

HOLDING ON TO TRUTH

Mountains,
Valleys, hills and plains
I only see
Endless
There is no end to this pain
But my God assures me
There is

I keep walking
Stumbling over the thought
–pattern
That perfection
Is what I’m supposed to be
But in actuality
Perfection is what God is
And by perfecting me
He helps me to become better

I am a better me
No matter what the enemy
Comes whispering
And hissing into my ear
I am a better me

A stronger, wiser
More capable version
Of my former self
Everyday I put on black
To prepare for the burial
But when I rise in the morning
I wear white

I am a new creature
So when you see me
With my black on
It is a symbol of empowerment
I killed my flesh today
When you see me with my white
It is celebration

I have turned another page
And though he slay me
Though the devil come in
Like a wave
Seeking to sift me as wheat
I give praise
I give honor to the One
Who made me

On this day
I am a better me
I don’t care what you say

I am
A better me

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Cat and Mouse Games

(I wrote this poem yesterday–I pray that this helps someone who may be going through the same thing. This turned into one of those, “I can’t stop until I get it all out on the page” so it’s long……you’ve been warned. 😉 Again, I pray this helps someone, that you are blessed by it and receive a message from it)

CAT AND MOUSE GAMES                     2/3/14

Running, running, running
Why do You want me?
I’m just
Running, running, running
Somebody stop me
I’ve been
Running…running
Will You still come after me?

Grimy, soiled hands
Covering my mouth
Foul breath stammers
Sh’uh-sh’uh-shut up!
Don’t n-n-nobody
N-n-need to hear this!

I find myself going back
To saying I’m cool with You
But holding hands with Satan
Under the table
That touch feels all too familiar
It’s like I never left
And he says I can come back
His words are so enticing

What do you need God for?
Serving Him is enough, isn’t it?
Come on, I’ve got what you need
What I have will make you feel better
Who knows you better than me?
Come on back, baby
You’ll never want to leave again

I know he’s lying
Nevertheless I go
The catch is
I have to pay the ferry
With my gifts, talents
And my soul

I fight to force the words out
But those hands have a death grip
So tight around my neck
God…

I just want it all to go away…
And still I’m wondering the same thing…

Why does he seek to silence me so much?

Frustrating
The words don’t come
As easily as they did before onto the page
This feeling is choking the feeling
Out of my hands

Wh-wh-what you wanna wr-wr-write for?

Funny how he sounds alluring
When he’s luring me
But when he’s got me
He sounds like the chump he is
And yet I keep returning to him
So what does that make me?

I inhale, exhale
My lungs operate just fine
But movement
Doesn’t always equal life
I’m numb on the inside
It feels like I’m slowly
Falling into a pool of death

Lines evaporate
Soon as my fingertips hit the keys
On the keyboard
I start
Then forget what it was
That I was trying to say

The more I try to fight it off
The more he hits me
I struggle to get to the pen and paper
And he savagely beats me
Tells me if I even think about touching it again
He’ll kill me
Was this what I was missing, after all?

In truth
I suppose I rather be mistreated
Than to heed to Your call
You’ve left over a dozen messages

Something tell me
I shouldn’t share all this
Putting stuff like this to the page
I struggle to get into Your Word today
As I think,

I gotta study
Because I have to have
Something to say
Is this not my ministry?

What good are ministries
If the One we’re doing it for
Doesn’t have ownership
To our hearts?
What good is it for me
To write day after day
Only for You to tell me

I see your lips moving
I hear the words coming out
And yet you are mute
When will your heart begin
To commune with Me?

I rather be together
But not be together
To say that it’s complicated
And just go from there

Now I think I understand
What true loneliness is…

Too afraid to make mistakes
Too scared of hurting someone
Or being hurt by someone else
So you choose to remain
By yourself
While you hurt the one you’re with
Yeah I’ll be with you
But my selfishness says it’s better
That I use you
For whatever I need from you
I don’t care if it hurts you
Just give me what I want

Give me what I want!
If you don’t
Then I’ll go behind your back to get it
From somebody else
And if I really feel like
Pouring salt into the wound
I’ll hook up with someone you know
Someone who’s close to you

Something says
Don’t say that
How does that look
Don’t even repeat that
But that’s the point isn’t it?
People ought to know
What grace looks like…

Nice guys don’t finish last
Good girls don’t go bad
When their worldview isn’t shallow
We want the whole kit and caboodle

To be with You, but not with You

Because then that means
That I’d actually have to try
So I’d rather take on the abuse
And neglect of lovers past:
Sin has many faces
Comes in many forms
They’ll never call you
Like they said they would
But God showed up
Every time you called His name
The devil hates you
Taking enjoyment of the thought
Of watching you die
But the love of God
Loves you past where you are
And who you are
To help shape you
Into who He designed you to be

The one who you don’t think exists
Because when you look into the mirror
You don’t quite see it yet
But they’re there…
That person is in you
You don’t have to daydream
When you know what God gave you

God loves me back to life
For me to go back to “zombie walkin'”

I say I rather seek
To smile and be happy in You
But never be with You
We were okay as friends,
Weren’t we?
So what we need to be a couple for?
I seek physicality in a mate
Than for pleasure in You, Lord
A God who cannot fail
Who will not let me down
That no man,

No matter how fine he is,
Smooth he is,
Hard he works,
What all he brings to the table
He isn’t able
To meet it like You
Love me like You do

It feels like…
I’ve been trying to sabotage this relationship
For years
When it’s time to go to the next level
I anchor myself down
Shake my head
Say nuh-uh
I’m not moving
You can’t make me

And You won’t
You wait on me
But remind me
That time waits for no one
And not to wait
Until time escapes me
Before I finally decide to come to You

But God,
I’m broken
My heart doesn’t beat right
(I can fix you)
God,
I don’t know how to love
Not the way You do
I don’t even know what it means
(I can teach you)
God why!
Why do You love me so much?
Can’t You see I’m a bad pick for You?
I’m lousy at this love thing…
I’ll do whatever You want me to…
Well, almost…
Just don’t do this to me!
Don’t force me to try and be something
That I know I can’t be
(I love you because it’s in Me)
(It’s in Me to love you)
(And it’s in you, too)
(I put it there Myself)
(So stop running)
(Leave that prison today)

God mold my heart
Rework it in Your hands
I’m so scared of love
That I treat loving You
Like every other man
That was fraudulent–they couldn’t meet it
They were delusional–the woman they wanted
I couldn’t be her
Wouldn’t be her
I refused

I don’t want to be with a man
Who leaves bruises on my face
Gives me black eyes
And beats me so badly
He breaks bones
Who is verbally abusive
Paranoid
Because his insecurities about me
Outweigh that of his own

God…I’ve seen it
Never been in something that horrible
But Your grace helped me dodge a bullet
God
I don’t want that to be me

Yet it is

It is me
Hello
My name is Victim
I keep going back
To a lover who will never love me
He despises every breath I breathe
And his name is Satan

I’m sleeping with the enemy
Because I love what he gives me
Quick fixes
All temporary
But my faith isn’t strong enough
To flee

Hello
My nickname’s Deep Denial
Denying my suffering
Even as I put the makeup
Over the black and blue
With smiles and
Lord I thank You’s
I hurt
Welcome to the part of me
That only God sees

And as I pull back the blinds
This is a side of me
A never before seen
Part of me that had to be revealed
To myself

Welts and cuts litter my body
Broken promises cover the floor
I’ve cried so much
I have no more tears
A lump rises from my chest
In my throat
But the wells of my ducts
Are completely empty

Why God, why do I let him hurt me?

We look at people
Women and men alike
That get themselves into
The same dysfunctional situation
From before
Shake our heads
Wonder why

I think I know

You get comfortable
I got used to this
Now I’m having to relearn
That this isn’t what love is
I’m not supposed
To settle
For being locked away in darkness
Never to see daylight again
I may be pushed around
Hit even
But I do not have to take it
I can fight back

But most importantly
Everything Satan hates about me
God loves it
Because He put it in me

I’m worn, but I won’t give up
It’s not over til God says it’s over

Lord God,
I’m here

Save me
Rescue me from this hell
Rebuild my mind
Mend my heart
Renew me God
Teach me how to love like You
And what love is

Remove the labels battered
And abused