Shallow Hal’s and Hallie’s

Hold on to this thought…

God reminded me that the man He is preparing for me is my superman, but he’s still just Clark Kent…

I remember when I first came to God asking about my future husband, and the only thing that I kept asking for was, “I want my husband to be FINE! I mean REALLY, REALLY fine. All my friends gonna look at him and be like, ‘DANG GIRL! You did good!’ And I’m gonna be like, ‘Yeah…I know, huh?’ Yeah, I mean…I want him to be god fearing, too. And all the other good, godly stuff…a romantic…but he gotta look GOOD!”

I’ve grown up some since that day. I now know I need more than a man who looks good; I need a man who has a strong relationship with God, a family man, hardworking, spontaneous, still romantic, passionate about poetry…I desire for God to give a man who’s right for me, even if he’s not everything I wanted, he’ll be everything I need.

Yet still…even as I thought on about it today, “I want him to look really good…”

Then there was this slight epiphany that occurred, where I saw that it wasn’t good enough if my future husband looked good to me. I wanted him to look good to everyone. I wanted for people to see him and say, “Ooo, her husband is VERY handsome!” I desired more for my “godly husband” to be a piece of eye candy that I show off to everyone rather than the love of my life who treats me right.

So in other words, I’m still a pretty shallow person.

God challenged me to examine myself; one of my ‘imperfections’ is my acne. While it’s not severe, it has spread from my face to my shoulders and a few bumps or so on my chest. He then asked me, “What if you finally marry your future husband, and on the honeymoon he saw your acne and decided he didn’t want to touch you? Or what if he stopped touching you altogether?”

I thought on that and immediately I felt sad, “I’d feel horrible…that would be awful.”

“Well, think on that when you meet this man,” He said. God reminded me that the man He is preparing for me is my superman, but he’s still just Clark Kent. My future husband is just as human as I am, with all sorts of imperfections—just like me.

But just as I expect him to love me past my imperfections, I need to be able to love him past his own.

Here’s the honest truth: I know what God promised me, and I know when He said my husband and I would meet, but that doesn’t stop me from having a wandering eye and the thought of, “What if?” “What could it hurt to talk to this guy?” “I wonder what it’d be like to be in a relationship with him! Whoo…what a cutie!”

Sometimes I become so consumed by the thought of being in a relationship, that it takes up my every thought and all my time is wasted on wishful daydreams. Sometimes it turns into an idol that can trigger a desire to masturbate or lead me right to it, and before I know it, I’ve pushed God all the way to the back.

I get an urge to rush myself into a relationship; I pass men these days who look so enticing to me that I sit there thinking, “I wonder if he’s single…he sure is cute…how would we end up dating?” (Then I remember God’s promise to me) “Well, we couldn’t be a real couple because, you know, so I would have to politely decline…but what if…”

Today (like a few other days) has been, “I mean, I think I’m ready to date. It doesn’t hurt to date, right? Some saints told me so! And they’re pretty connected,” (meaning they have a strong relationship with God, which they do) “so I’m good man!”

The fact that I would be selfishly using someone to try and fill the gaps of loneliness & discontentment go out the window. The fact that I would be wasting a guy’s time because I’m using him as a placeholder to occupy my time with until the guy I’m suppose to be with comes along is forgotten about. I become willing to turn down my Jesus and compromise those values I desire a guy to have (god fearing, prayerful, strong relationship with God, older, mature, etc.) for some dude that looks good but is a FAR cry from what I need and not even headed in the same direction I’m going.

And all because I’m becoming impatient…

Seriously? Who get’s in a relationship with someone just to break up with them later? “Thanks for the good times, this has been fun, but I have to go now. I don’t feel so lonely anymore and to be honest I’m kind of bored with you so…”

That’s time he could’ve spent with a woman who actually wanted to be with him instead of wasting it with me, someone who wasn’t interested in him per say, but was interested in the idea of being with him. That’s part of our problem isn’t it—the idea of being in a relationship is more attractive to us than the relationship itself.

And we should all know that life isn’t anything like the daydreams and scenarios we play out in our heads.

We should know that, but we don’t act like it sometimes.

I’ve had to refocus myself on God, on letting the Father build me and mold me into the wife my future husband needs me to be. This requires me setting my attention on those things God has for me to do right now, putting time into my spiritual walk and natural as well—truly bettering myself instead of waiting to get better later. People don’t change just because they say, “I do.” The change is something that has to have occurred way before then.

One thing I do consistently ask of God is this: Let me be attracted to him for what’s inside before I become physically attracted to him. Let him fall in love with me, who I am, before becoming infatuated with my body.

I truly and sincerely desire this. I won’t lie—I still want him to be a super fine dude—but I really, really want to fall in love with him for who he is, then when we’re at the wedding reception turn around, REALLY look at him, and say, “Man…my husband is so fine…”

No joke. Dead serious. I really want that to happen.

But…until that day comes, I continue to fight off the temptation to do my own thing instead of waiting on God’s promise, and I battle with lust and everything else. Truthfully I fell off from reading/studying my Word but I’m getting back into it.

It felt so good to sit and take in God’s Word, too…that is something we should not neglect. I mean really just sit and meditate on it, letting Him speak to you through the Bible…

Anyway…

Saving yourself for marriage even as a virgin can be hard (especially as I get older); just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with the temptation to go outside of His will, but waiting on the promise of God is even harder. Satan knows what God promised you—he was listening when you were praying to God for it. He attacks me on the regular just like everyone else.

However, when you stop focusing on what you don’t have and start thanking God for where you are, you learn to be more content. The stuff you were fretting over wasn’t as crucial as you believed it to be after all.

It’s not that crucial. Behead the beast with prayer and the Word of God, focus on His goodness and start thanking Him. Focus on allowing God to prepare you and spend less time focusing on who He’s preparing you for.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s