Confessions of a Fangirl (Part I)

(This was inspired by a blog post I read on liverev.org on fangirls. You can read it here: link The post inspired a poem I wrote called “Fan Girl” so if you haven’t read it on here yet, be sure to do that; the poem led to me writing this post. As always I pray that it’s a blessing to those who read it and that you receive something from it.)

 

I started this in September but I kept going back and forth about it. I finally decided it was time to write this.

There is a driving force in each and every single one of us. Something that drives us to do what we do, and whether we like to admit or not, there is always something spiritual leading us and influencing our decisions.

I haven’t been as consistent in my walk lately and I’ve been walking around in denial about being a…you know…

A fangirl.

Fangirls. I always saw them as those crazed, super obsessed females constantly screaming their heads off in the audience. You know what I’m talking about—the ones you hear scream on TV so much you yell, “SHUT UP ALREADY! I can’t even HEAR the freakin’ song!” at the television. Those girls who are weeping tears of joy, about to pass out from all the excitement, or professing their love and making marriage proposals with the wedding plans already laid out.

Growing up I just didn’t get it. I didn’t have a favorite artist, actor, or any of that stuff. Sure, I remember having a crush on a few celebs: LL Cool J, Matthew LeBlanc, Johnny Depp, Vin Diesel—and including, but not limited to—The Rock (Dwayne Johnson). Still, I was not fixated to the point where I found myself saying, “One day we’re gonna meet in real life, fall in love and then we’ll be married.” *sigh* “Yeah…he is definitely my future husband. I just know it!”

I had always questioned the sanity of those girls, but then again I was somewhat of a late bloomer because once I got to high school I kind of understood what they meant. I still wasn’t as serious as some of them were, but yeah, I did happen to find myself wondering what it would be like to marry that guy I saw in the movies, or listened to on the radio, or saw breakdancing on some reality show.

So…about this fangirl thing…

It began as something small and innocent when I finally found my favorite artist for the first time: Andy Mineo.

I had heard his music before when he came out with Formally Known, but I’ll admit—I slept on him for a minute. It wasn’t until I started hearing him pop up on my Pandora that I finally decided to check out his music and then I became a fan. One day, I decided if I wanted to be a real fan, I needed to at least know who exactly he was. Before I knew it, I was working my way to own every song he had ever made or recorded, I had a special playlist with just Andy Mineo songs, I watched whatever interviews I could find on YouTube, followed him on twitter, liked his Facebook page, tried to add him on Tumblr, went to create an account on Tumblr, realized I did have a Tumblr, renewed my account and added him on Tumblr.

I wasn’t into Instagram, but Andy had an Instagram so I went and got one. Wasn’t so sure about Vine, but Andy had a Vine so I got that, too. Thanks to Andy, I now wear colorful socks that often don’t go with what I have on and I want more, too.

I don’t know, it’s sorta fun, wearing weird and artsy socks in contrast to the plain white ones I usually wore. Try it some time. It’ll change your life.

Anyway…

I kept making excuses, kept saying that I was supposed to do all that stuff—HE WAS MY FAVORITE ARTIST! I had never had a favorite artist before! If I could have, I would’ve road tripped to all his concerts and all that jazz. I was a fan dedicated to supporting a guy who puts out great, quality music.

But you see, there’s a line that we must not cross. Yes, Andy is still my favorite artist—the dude can rap bar none and very well at that. I still have that playlist, but I’m not stressing over it as much to try and get every single track he’s featured on or recorded.

Somewhere back there, I crossed that line between being a fan and just plain being obsessed, and when I recognized it I started to run from the issue. “Well, looks like I’ll have to stop listening to his music.”

Then God reminded me of how it was through those songs that I was drawn closer to Christ, that I began to truly examine my walk and my relationship with Him. Andy Mineo was not the issue—it was in fact my heart that was the issue.

Fast forward. That was over the course of two years or so.

It’s 2014 now and the issue has finally grown to the point where I can’t sweep it under the rug, I can’t run from it, I can’t pretend like it isn’t there or it isn’t something I’m struggling with—I have become a fangirl because I refuse to take a deeper look into my heart.

It’s time to crack this baby open and peek around for a bit.

As a young girl, I was a realist when it came to this stuff. First of all, I knew that I was way too young and the celeb I had the crush on was way too old. We were at least a decade apart and maturity doesn’t make up for life experience. Plus that was just gross. Secondly, even if we were around the same age we weren’t from the same area and meeting them was pretty slim to none. Lastly, even if both of those things were to be certain, the actual person was not. That dude who played the loving, doting boyfriend on TV could be a jerk and a womanizer in real life who was abusive and mean among other things. Famous or not, I had no idea what kind of man he was and that was always a scary thought.

Catfish, anybody?

Now let’s look at one of my newest obsessions: YouTube.

YouTube gives you the false sense of feeling close to the person you’re watching. You get to joke around with them, laugh with them, cry with them, and if it’s a travel vlog you get to see places with them. The more you watch them on camera, the more you begin to feel like you actually know the person you’re subscribed to.

But really you know little to nothing about them, except for the things they allow you to know.

You spend so much time feeding into a fantasy that eventually you start to think it’s so plausible that it could come true. Unlike a movie or TV show, there is a certain authenticity that comes with YouTubers. Yes, actors are real people. We know that, but a YouTuber comes across more personal because they’re not playing a role—they’re allowing you to see a part of who they are as a person. An actual person. YouTubers also have a brand and an image they are pushing out there, the same as with a lot of music artists or any other celebrity, but again—it’s personal. It’s not in relation to a label or an album; it’s them.

And you like them, or otherwise you wouldn’t have subscribed to their channel, right?

The thing is, as personal as it appears to be it’s also detached. There is a huge separation because it’s like I mentioned before: you know of them, but you don’t know them.

Call me a cynic, but I don’t believe you can fall in love with someone on the Internet. You also can’t expect to fall in love with someone at first sight—not saying it isn’t a possibility, but understand just how RARE that is. True love develops with spending time getting to know a person, and by that I mean actually talking to them and learning about each other, not just trying to find out how good a kisser they are.

And that—that essentially is the problem in the nutshell. As a fangirl you have nothing else to go on but physical,

“Ooo…he is so fine, and so cute, and so—FINE. My God…I need to find a way to meet this man because he HAS TO BE the one for me!”

Really? You sure about that?

(To Be Continued…)

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One thought on “Confessions of a Fangirl (Part I)

  1. Pingback: Confessions of a Fangirl (Part II) | Hear See Write LIFE

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