Form of Expression (Poem)

(After Sandy died, I found myself reluctant to write but I picked up a pen anyway. I wrote this while I was still away at kamp [Kids Across America] and now I’m ready to share it with all of you. I pray that it helps anyone dealing with loss…I have another one I’ll be editing and posting up on the blog sometime this week.)


Words crumble when I speak
It’s true
Why do you think I mumble so
There’s always uncertainty there
Scared of saying the wrong thing
At the wrong time
That’s why I write so much
I have the chance to consider
What I shall say
How I shall say it
And if I don’t like it, well,
They’re called rough drafts for a
Scratch out, insert, edit, delete

When I write
God’s voice is penned down in
And I find myself eager
To hear what He has to say
Sometimes I get swept away
In a sea of emotions
Putting down whatever I feel
Which is okay
Because some days
You just gotta keep it real

But Jesus Christ alone is the realest
And above all else
I must quiet down the tides
Tell them to be still
Be still, shhh
The Lord is about to speak

It’s funny
How we think our situations
Are so unique
Ignoring the glaring similarities
Between us and someone else

I had not ever gone through the five
–stages before
Until after Sandy died
Her name was Sandra Bland
But many of us knew her as
We had grown distant
Yet still
You never know how much you
–truly love someone
Until they’re gone

I knew she wasn’t coming back
Yet still
I was hoping she would
‘Til I saw pictures from her funeral
And I’ve holding it all together
With a drop of glue
And a strip of tape
Then I saw the picture of her memorial

I was furious
Irate with God because I felt as though
–He took her from me
I didn’t even get a chance to say
And I was mad at Him for it
“You didn’t let me say bye!”
How could I be so selfish?
Did her family, did her friends get to
–say farewell?
What makes your pain so special?
These things I told myself
But it still didn’t stop it from hurting
Rage bubbling in my chest

It’s hard for me to reach out
The words fall apart every time
I want to let people in
But I can’t let my heart get broken into
I’ve been broken in two
The other half of me is still scattered
–on the floor
I shove away potential friends,
Chances to fall in love
For reasons just like this

I can’t handle this
I’m too weak to bear it all

Then again
It was never intended for me to carry
–the weight
In the first place
Christ allows me to feel
What I feel for a reason
When I feel like there’s nothing left
–in me
It reminds me Jesus is necessary

I’m hopeless without Him


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