Pin Needles (Poem)

PIN NEEDLES                       9/8/15

Another no
Again

I keep telling myself
Stay encouraged
That new job is gonna come
Before you know it
But
I can’t help but wonder

What am I doing here?

Thoughts of going back home
Pound the walls of my brain
Constantly
And as I hold onto the fragments of hope
—I left with
I begin to second guess myself

“God,
Were You really the One
Who told me to go out here like this?
Or was I just lying on Your name
By mistaking Your voice
For my own?”

This scene is all too familiar

I feel trapped between two rocks
The walls crushing me
As I helplessly, listlessly won’t budge

I share my dreams
And feel just as stupid
As the stares I receive
I mean
Really
Am I being all that realistic?
Starving artist…heh
I’ve been hungry for years
So much so
Stomach pains are starting to become
A norm for me
The word “eat” is foreign
What does that mean?

All the grown ups are chowing down
And I’m sitting here sulking at the kids’ table

All I need
Is a chance, just one opportunity
To prove that I can write
The cards, however,
Don’t seem to line up right
Lord
Have You forsaken me?

Of, of course not
God I’m sorry I’m just
Desperate
At around age 40
You said I would be performing
On stages
Showed me the crowds
And the lights cascading down over me
Like a beaming photon blanket

And as it is,
That’s currently 23 years aways
And counting
But each day
The vision of lights and stages
Slowly fades

I feel the pressures
To make something happen
And make it happen
Quick
Gotta get to the quick
Real quick
Quick oh forget this I quit
God I quit
Is settling really that bad?
I’ll just go back to Mom’s house
My clothes are still in bags
I’ll tell my friends today
That I’m leaving
Yeah…
No way this could happen for me
I had to have been dreaming…

Even as I hear You say,
“Is that what I told you to do?
Why did I send you here?
Tell them your purpose.”
I quiver in fear
In terror I say they will not understand
Full of pride I say it’s just homesickness
I told one of my sisters in the faith once
That I could not let people see me cry
I refused to do it

Panic is rising up and bringing tears with it

I can’t let them see me cry
And I can’t share my vision
They won’t buy it
That dog won’t hunt
That is not going to work
And Jesus tells me,
“Even if they should fail you,
I will not.
I am all that you’ve got
In spite of you thinking you have
Everything–
I am literally
All that you’ve got.
Believe in Me.
Trust and be sure that I am God.”

My excitement is always followed
By doubting and despair
Whether immediate
Or tarrying along the way
Doubt and despair always show up
As depression attempts to sneak in
Three’s company, I suppose
And still
In the bitterness of waiting
There is yet a hope that thrives

I have survived too much in my life
To turn back down that happy trail
God, ju-just please…
Show me what heck am I supposed to do with my life…

And all I hear Him say
Is,
“Continue to follow the dream, dear daughter,
Continue to follow the dream.”

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