When the Strong Get Weak (Poem)

WHEN THE STRONG GET WEAK

I am broken
And wounded
I am angry
And afraid
Just because you see me smiling
Doesn’t mean I’m not crying
–inside
I am dying inside

I see her name
And it’s as if death is all around
I know they’re trying to preserve
–her memory
I just wish they’d let her rest in
–the ground
I see her face
And I am forced to remember
She’s dead
All over again
Sometimes I mention her name
And it’s like nobody cares

My God,
Is this how it feels?
Is this how I have treated others in
–the past?
Flippant, sympathetic responses
With no love, no mercy, no give
Just cold, harsh, hard
Because every time I shout
The only sound I make is

Because no matter how loud I yell
No one can hear me screaming
Because
No matter
How loud I yell
No one hears me screaming

I am falling apart at the seams
It’s crazy
I try to use other things to distract
–myself
Like,
Flighty crushes that don’t even
Seem right
There’s a tinge of lust there
This just isn’t God-ordained
I have flashes of giggles
And quickly bury them down
Because I don’t feel as though
I should be happy

I think to myself
You don’t have the right to be happy
Who do you think you are,
Out here having fun
While everyone else back home is
–still grieving?
Your friend only died just days
–ago
But for everyone else
It’s more like milliseconds
So who are you to be happy
When your friend is still dead?

Lord
I don’t know how to deal with pain
–like this
I pushed
And shoved people away
I cannot bear the agony of heartache
Let them throw their sticks and stones
Let them hit me with their fists
I will gladly sport the bruises
But please God
Don’t make me suffer through this
This is something
I cannot take

The trauma is too great
I’m not strong enough for this

So I push
The more I begin to care
The harder I love
The further I find myself
Backing away
“They’re too close,” that’s what I think,
“They’re too close.”
My most common thought being,
If this person were to pass away
Tomorrow
How great would my tears be?
Would my cries be so hard
That I would drown myself in my
–sleep?
Would the dagger slice through my
–heart
Every time they popped up into my mind?
Could I take it?
Could I withstand the bad news?
Would I find myself still standing
After receiving the news of their passing?

These are things I ask myself
They were things I asked
Before she went away…

Her name was Sandra Bland
Most of us called her Sandy
She was Big Sister to me
Her greeting I cannot recall
But I do remember doing a step
And a dance
And if you knew what was good for
–you,
You had better have her Swedish Fish

We didn’t always see eye to eye
We grew apart
But it was 5ive Tails all day
That’s just how it was
Always show your clubs love
But we hadn’t really talked
Nor had a real conversation
In years
So never did I imagine
I would take her loss so intensely
We had grown apart
I was safe, or so i thought,
I was safe
So whenever that bomb would drop
I would be clear from the blast
But…

That’s not how it worked out
I got hit anyway
And I found myself angry with her
Constantly asking
Why did you come back?
Why didn’t you stay home?
You were alive then
Why did you come back, Sandy?
I kept wanting to be furious
But how can you be upset
With a dead woman?
How could I be enraged at her
For dying
When she had no clue that day would
–be her last?

Yet still
I kept asking these things
Until at last
I accepted the fact
That I was angry
Not because she died
But because she died without me ever
–really being close to her
Out of self-preservation
My attempts to protect myself
And she still hurt me anyway
Not even aware
Her death would do it
She didn’t mean to
She didn’t mean to die, didn’t know that
–she would
She just did

And despite all that, I still got hurt

And now
All I can think is
Why
Why, God, would You allow me to love
–someone this much
Only to strip them away?
Why
Would You put people in my life
Just to take them away from me?
I was eleven when Mamu died
My grandmother’s death crushed me
I was never the same after that
Within that same period of time
Watching loved ones fade away
One after another
God, I said it then, and I’m saying it now
If to love someone
Means to hurt this much, then
I can’t do this
I refuse to love anyone else
I’m too fragile, too frail
I will break
I will—

God then spoke to me,

“How do you think I felt
As I watched My Son be nailed to
–that cross,
To see Him endure the agony
Of being separated from Me because
–He took on
Your iniquities?

My child,
Understand that I know your pain,
I know it very well.
Yes it hurts,
But I promised I would never put more
–on you
Than you could bear.
I am here,
I am the One who is holding you up
When you think you’ve got it all
–together.
I am the One keeping you
When you feel you’ve been smashed
–to pieces

Daughter,
Do not be afraid to love.
Pain reminds you, you are human
Not invincible
And that you need a Savior to get you
–through this.

I made you to love,
To reach as many people as you can,
While you can
And while they’re still here,
But you can’t love anyone
Behind that titanium bunker
Lined with electrified fences,
Laced with barbwire

And no one can love you through
–there, either.

I didn’t ask you to be the strongest;
I only asked that you let Me be your
–Anchor,
Your Rock,
Your Protector.
I know it hurts
So darling, come to Me.
I am here for you.

I am here.”

I don’t know what it is
The more I shove
The closer people get
And they will not go away
And they will not leave me alone
And they will NOT…
>>>let me go through this alone

Jesus has shown me
It’s okay to feel
To hurt
To grieve
Because now I know
What His children feel
It’s okay to love
To be loved
To fall for someone
Because no matter what life throws at
–me
I’m going to be okay

Sandy’s death
Has been difficult for me to deal with
While she is gone
I did not die with her
I am alive
And it would be an insult
To all my loved ones who are deceased
If I did not continue to live on
In their memory

Nothing can separate me
Nothing can separate
Not depression, nor anger
Death or despair
No situation can break me
But even if it should
I know who my God is
And He’ll make me stronger than ever

Watch out folks
I’m gonna use this thing to light up
–the sky
I’ll explode and shine bright
Like a huge firecracker
My glow will be as permanent
As the stars in the night
I won’t die down
I won’t die out—I refuse
Satan, did you hear me?
I REFUSE
I will not give in to you

In the midst of my silent cries
And falling tears
I shall still find
My smile
This did not kill me
This will not kill me

It’ll only hurt
For a little while.

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One thought on “When the Strong Get Weak (Poem)

  1. Pingback: When the Strong Get Weak (Behind the Poem) | Hear See Write LIFE

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