Vanity (Rewrite)

VANITY (REWRITE)

I’m just echoing some things out
Bear with me
I’m stripping down layers
I hope you’ll bare them with me
Burdens
Don’t unload themselves

I’m not alone
I choose to reverberate
Hidden undertones
As I watch these girls
And these guys reveal parts
–of their nakedness
And I’m not talking about skin tones
I’m talking about insecurities

I’m just scribbling down my thoughts
So don’t mind me
Or just…don’t
I’m not some brilliant lyricist
With a dope mind
And a beat
I’m a poet with pen and pad
Laptop laced with smooth black keys

If only
The things I put down
Could be as eloquent
Instead
What I write
Is so rough around the edges
Lengthy
As though a pipe has burst
And the shutoff valve doesn’t seem
–to work
So you just cup your hands
And try to stop it

But I suppose these days
Pondering can’t be smothered out
They leak and ooze everywhere
And others don’t seem to care
Because the things they probably
Most likely shouldn’t say
They say it anyway

Have you heard some of this garbage
–they play on the radio now?
Excuse me
Irrelevant in more ways than one
Because that’s all besides the point

This was only suppose to be an edit
I hadn’t planned on a rewrite
And yet
Here we are
So
Here you go

I’m using these pictures
To fill up the holes in myself
Thinking orange hearts
Will fill me up with the love
That I lack
For my own self-respect
But just as quickly as they appear
They fleetingly make their exit
And again
I am left alone with the emptiness

God says I’m just fine
But I’m still trying to be validated
With the tight fitted
Outfits appearing to have been
Hand painted
Because I sought to find
Value and worth
Through pairs of men’s eyes
Forgetting that
They’re just as flawed as mine
Ridiculous,
Isn’t it?

I wanted to come off as intelligent
Studying topics
Down to the science
Wanted my poetry
And the rest of the gifts
God gave to me
To coax people into giving compliments
That I didn’t see in myself

That I still don’t see
But I am willing to try
I am willing
To open up my eyes
And take note of all the things
That God has placed in me

The imperfect person
Observing me through their microscope
I pray and hope that they will
–be gentle
Before they give me critiques in
–attractiveness
I’m already taking notes

The absurdity of it all is
Mind-boggling

God tell us we’re somebody
We say that we’re nothing
God tells us we’re strong
We say that we’re weak
God says greater is He who is in you
And still
We refuse to dig deep
God speaks life
And goodness over our souls
Yet we sidestep His advances
To take the curses that others
Have cast over our heads
Like a dark overcast
Of shadow and death
We lie down in the valley
Of the shadow of death
When we ought to be walking
–through it

But we give up
Because of what somebody said
What somebody did

God did not make you in vain
Regardless of the hand you were dealt
Your pain is for your gain
For the glory of God
You are
A triumphant story

Being His
Is enough

But until we learn what that means
We’ll find ourselves constantly
–striving
To become someone’s property
Rather than stand
On our own

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Consistently Inconsistent…ish

Today I started to write a rant post about how inconsistent I am, how displeased and disappointed I am with not meeting the goals I had set for myself…blah, blah, blah…

As I came to a close, I remembered the reason I began writing this in the first place:

I wanted to continue what I started.

No, I’m not writing blog posts every week. I haven’t done a One Page Friday video in a good while now, and now that I’m think about it, it’s been some time since I last wrote a poem…

But, I’m still writing.

Sometimes in this race you get tired. You get tired of running, tired of stumbling, but most of all, you get tired of being tired. When that happens, you usually stop running altogether.

The thing about God though is that even when it feels like you’re dead last, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is finishing. The Lord is not concerned about your place, your pace, or how many people you left in the dust; His primary concern is you making it across the finish line.

Am I as consistent as I would like to be? No, and I want to change that. Until then, I’m going to be patient with myself and continue to press forward in this race.

I recall the Lord telling me once that I needed to focus on just completing the task rather than how quickly I can get it done. I need to get back to doing that.