Bonehead (Poem)

Don’t write when you’re angry
Take a moment,
Take a breath
And collect yourself
Pull yourself together
And when you have calmed down
Break up all the pieces
And arrange them
Tactfully
Back together
Channel your rage
Into a high-powered
Super beam with laser focus
Instead of sprawl out
Into a spray of raw energy
I repeat
Do not write when you are angry

Instead
Feel your anger
Let it burn throughout your body
Spew out all the embers
Like a new pen sputtering ink
Then
Go back to the paper
And try it again

I woke up past 3 a.m.
Remembering I was supposed
To talk to You
But immediately recalling
That last conversation I just had
And I felt myself seething again
Hot to the touch
Don’t touch me when I’m this mad
You’re liable to get third degree
I won’t be held responsible
Even though I know
Jesus will hold me accountable
Still I say don’t touch
As I give off a questioning glare
Scalding while scolding at people
Didn’t your mother teach you
Not to play with a hot stove?

I am angry
Fuming
I think I may just produce
Steam
If these tears ever spill over
Careful
Everything and anything in my path
Is bound to be set ablaze
Not too close
Or you’ll choke on the smoke

I don’t mean to hurt people
When I’m this volatile
A volcano does not discriminate
When it erupts
Just know
That the snappiness of my words
And quick sharpness of my tongue
Aren’t necessarily directed at you
I’m really just frustrated about the
—entire situation
And you just happened to be
A bystander

I’ve come to find
I rely too heavily on other people’s
—opinions
I hold what they have to say
Too dear to my heart
Perhaps that’s why I’ve grown sick
—of them
Irrelevant, insignificant
Belittling opinions
It’s demoralizing in the fact
That what thus says the Lord
Outweighs all
And yet
I still find myself scrambling
To find out what their thoughts are
Yes, that’s it
Perhaps this is why I’ve become
Over and done with it all
The Lord is helping me to see
That the heart is fickle, including my
—own

You’re living in a dream world
That’s not real,
That’s not reality
So I’ve been told
And just maybe
I am
I’ve been dreaming
Since the Lord told me
To come to this place
And truth be told

I hate it here
From the day before day one
I have constantly desired
To go home
I hate it here
I always have
I never wanted to live
In a city like this
The only reason I’m sticking it out
Is because God keeps telling me
To wait
Hold on
Be patient
Give Me time to work

I’m at the end of my rope
And I find myself shaking in my
—wrath
As I threaten to destroy everything
—in my wake
Saying, Lord,
My lips tight, words terse
Lord
You have got to make a way
Get these people off my back
Surely,
Surely it’s time now to reveal
Why You had me step out the boat
God please, please make a way
I don’t have much time left
I’m frustrated
I can’t make them get it
So can You please make a way
Today?
Oh Lord,
Can You PLEASE?

I’ve been dreaming since I got here
Told myself
I’ll learn how to drive
Get my license
Get a nice job
Save up for a car
An apartment
Within reason
Something obtainable
It’s possible
I know it can be done

Only to be have my résumé be
—dissected
Before me
Being employed isn’t enough
You haven’t been employed
Long enough
We don’t trust you to give you
—a job
Excuse yourself out
With this worthless degree
English major? HAH—please!
Everyone knows you can’t do
Anything with that
You don’t have any experience
Oh,
We know you need the experience
But good luck finding it out here

To find a job in desperation
Thank God for it
Thinking it was all Him
Only to leave it
Because it turns out
It wasn’t what He had in mind for me
After all
Too-good-to-be-true
Is a scenario that’s becoming oh so
—familiar

My attitude these days has been
Screw them
Screw them all
Another wasted opportunity
And a drop in the bucket
When I’ve got gallons
Upon gallons to fill

So bitterly
I begin to internalize my thoughts
Never speaking them aloud
Until now,

God
Why did You have me come here?
I thought it was to take off with this
—book,
To improve myself
Grow up
Finally establish independence
To where I can stop being so dependent
On others
And learn to stand on my own
That was the whole point of this,
Wasn’t it?
Why did You have me come?
To endure the pains
Of having doors slammed in my face?
To rise up early in the morning,
Put in a full day for a measly interview,
Only to come back empty-handed?
What are You making me DO all this for?
It seems pointless to me now

But rather than talk to Him
About my concerns,
I take it out on people
And their silly, small-minded opinions
Yes
We are entitled to our opinions
But if you really stop
And consider
How trivial our opinions are,
Then I’m pretty sure
We wouldn’t ever give them

I hear many things
And quite often than not
They’re all contradictory
I don’t think these people
Are even aware
Of how wishy-washy they sound
Shoot for the stars
Get a salary job
But then in the next instance
They encourage me to go back
For those pebbles I was scrounging for
Because there’s nothing wrong
With minimum wage
And something’s better than
—nothing
But you’ve got a degree
(As if I’m not aware of this)
And such a job is so beneath
Your fine, fine capabilities
Though since you’re not getting hired
Maybe menial is the best you can do
So here
Take this white flag with you

I swear if I could,
If the Lord would permit it,
I’d write a big four letter profanity
Followed by a huge Y-O-U on
—that flag
And tell them to shove it up
Where the sun don’t shine
Or I’ll cram it down your throat
Until it comes out the other end
But then Jesus reminds me
Jacqueline,
You’re taking this too personal
Calm down, Daughter
They’re just trying to help
You’re combative
That’s your problem
You’re too combative
People don’t want to help a person
Who seems to want to fight
And at any given moment
Turn a simple suggestion
Into an argument
You can’t blame them for what’s
—happened
But you can’t be upset
For them trying to offer assistance
The best way they know how

As always
The Lord is right
I can’t
I’m just so tired
Of hearing a bunch of opinions
With no absolute solutions
Other than the things
I’ve either already tried
Or cooked up in my brain

It’s a sea of “if I were you’s,”
And “Why don’t you’s”
But in the midst
I search for the one voice
That actually matters
And I can’t find it
I tune my ears painstakingly
Like someone turning nobs
On an old radio
Just trying to find the right station
But all I get is static
Or silence
God’s voice is silent
And the waves of the sea
Have turned into a roaring tsunami
I’m at a standstill
Looking at that half full glass
That’s been cut in half twice over
Steadily becoming emptier than the
—last
And I begin to ponder
About all my life decisions

Have you ever looked into the eyes
Of someone working a dead-end job
And see the lifelessness within them?
It’s what comes
When high hopes
And aspirations are depleted
When they arrive at the conclusion
The name tag on that uniform
Is as far as they’ll go
It is the sum of their full potential

This is the difference
Between a high schooler
And someone my age
Because the younger they are
The more naive
To the true testaments
Of what people and life
Will do to your hopes and your dreams
They will crush you
You’ll be pressed down more
Than an olive for its oil
They don’t have to deal with the
—lingering whispers
Telling them
This is the best they will ever do
Which
Is why it’s scary
When you look into a young person’s
—face
And see death

It makes me think,
Wow
They’ve given up already?
Things have barely begun for them
And they have already given up?
Good God,
What are we doing to them?
What is this world doing to us?

I’m angry
A slew of bad moods
And all attitude
It probably reads through
Past my confident posture
Friendly demeanor
And polite expression
Sitting across that table
Smoldering in,
“Don’t waste my time
With asking me all these questions
If you’re not even going to consider
Hiring me.”
Don’t waste my time
When I could be sitting
In front of the desk of my future
—employer
I mean, I haven’t actually said
Anything like that
However I must concede
That it has quite possibly come
—across that way

But I’m not willing to quit
Not just yet

I think back
And picture myself
As the successful
Female engineer
Pulling in six figures
Or whatever other career it is
That brings in a large income
But unfortunately
That’s not how it turned out
I’m the hopeless dreamer
Who’s got no job
Late 20s and no prospective boyfriend
Comes across as a bum
Who can’t seem to find nor hold down
—a job
But man can I write,
Am I right?
Hmm, perhaps we should pray on it
Maybe I’ll wake up
And be someone else
Living somebody else’s life

Pardon the sarcasm…
I probably shouldn’t joke about
—things like that
I know I shouldn’t

I’m sorry, Lord

I feel lost
There are so many things
So many ugly, mean, cold and harsh
—things
I am dying to say
But I won’t
Because spite dulls the blade
And thus would make this poem
Null and void

I will not be as childish as I was
When I finished writing this
At 4:45 a.m.
What I will do rather
Is let you know
That I hear you
I hear all of you
And I love you
I heed your advice when it’s sound
And I give the courtesy
Of listening
When it goes against what the
–Lord has spoken
In my life
But
At the end of day
We all must find our own way
And that’s all I’m trying to do
It just feels as though these days
The only one patient enough
To help me figure it out
Is God

I admit I’ve spent too many seconds
On things that won’t do a bit of good
One way or the other
I can own up to that on my part
But I don’t need reminders
Of things I already know
I know I need to get my life in order
I know that
I know I’m 27 and can’t drive
Never had a boyfriend
With friends the same age
That are married with children
I know that
I know I need a job
That pays me what I’m actually
–worth
Instead of scrounging for change
I KNOW THAT

So, while I wrote this in anger
I will not end it in the same manner

All I will say
Is thank you in advance for your
–cooperation
And your patience
Prayers are great
And they are needed
Pray the Lord guide me
In all my decisions

The stove is still too hot to touch
But
It is now safe to approach

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s