Cleaning Out the Attic V

(The next poem in this series is called Siren Call. I read it for a poetry night I held for my church. I was supposed to record it but I never did. Maybe one day I will, but for now it’s here on the blog for anyone to read)


So what if you drown
He’ll pull you out again
Jesus saves
It’s what He always does
Don’t sweat it
You can’t run from this enticement
So forget it
I’ll never let you forget it
Come here,
Come and have a sweet dream
You can’t escape me
I’ll enter into your mind while you’re asleep
And I’ll call out to you again
You’ll slumber
But you’ll never have any peace

Don’t you want me?
You don’t like our little arrangement anymore?
When I found you
You were just some punk kid
Kicking at pebbles and small stones
It was because of me you grew up
I gave you a taste for the adult stuff
Now you act as if you’re satisfied
By having playdates with this God guy
Well playtime is for losers
And I play for keeps
You don’t get to have your fun
Then run away from me
You are my discovery
I own you—you’re mine!
You stupid little—

I’m, I’m sorry sweetheart
I just get so irritated when you’re gone for so long
I hate seeing you spend all your time
With Him
All because He says we can’t be together
That’s ridiculous!
So He gets to have you all to Himself
And we can’t even hang out
For someone who’s supposed to be so selfless
He sure doesn’t like to share
I mean,
You don’t ever miss me?
Not even a little?

Admit it
You know you do
I can tell
You know how I know?
Every time I call your name
Just a little bit louder
I see you itching to get away
You remember how much fun we had
All those lonely nights
You came looking for me
I’m the one you went in search of
I was the one whose face you sought after

So I was busy a couple—well, a few times
Here and there
To and fro
Whatever. Big deal
So what?
Part of you kind of likes the abuse
It gives you excitement
The unpredictability
The desperate waiting
Unstableness—you love all of that
You could never have a real relationship with Mister
Holy, Holy, Holy
King of Kings and all that crap
This be ye holy kick He’s got you on is whack
You know it and I know it—it’s true

So what’s up?
You can’t ignore me for long
You know you can’t
You are as predictable as the morning sun
It always comes up
And you’ll always come back to me
You are delighted by the sound of my songs
You’re just as twisted and demented as I am
We belong together
It’ll never work out with Him
With your little so-called Savior

I’ll tell you what
Come and be with me
And you can still see HIm as much as you want
We’ll just have our little thing on the side
He’ll never have to know
God will never have to know
It’ll be our little secret
Just between us
I promise

Promises come cheap
When you’re dealing with the devil
He’ll get you to agree to one thing
Then flip the script on you
He lies
No matter how good he makes it sound,
And he does make it all sound
Very, very good,
At the end of the day
He is the predator
You are the prey
And you
Are just a snack on the buffet line
He has scarfed down hundreds of souls
Just like yours

And it isn’t even time for lunch

He found me at an early age
Trying to build sandcastles
And lured me into the icy blue
The light refracting off its many ripples
I told him I couldn’t swim
He told me

You want to come in
It’s nice and fine out here
Out here
There’s no need to swim
When you’re floating in this sea of bliss
Ecstasy and happiness
I’ll teach you how to build castles
Made of droplets and foam
And besides
By the time you master it
You’ll be so far down in these waters
Whether you can swim or not won’t be a factor
It’ll be the last thing on your mind

I almost drowned
And yet I found myself dying at a chance
Just to feel what drowning was like
All over again
the climatic surge
A rush that takes over
Intensifying the closer I neared death

Then one day
I decided
Maybe I wasn’t quite so ready to die yet
And maybe
Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all
And he hadn’t taught me how to build
A single castle out of water
He was all talk
I was becoming bored with this game
It was always disguised as something new
But in actuality
It was always the same
With the exact same result

Me struggling for my life

It was time for me to do something different
I was bored with his charade
I turned to fight against the tide
And right as I edged toward the coastline
He took his hands and gripped them
Tight around my neck
Pushing me downward
Forcing seawater into my lungs

Where are you going?
(His voice had lost its charm)
Where are you going, huh?
I didn’t tell you we were done
You want to learn how to build a castle out here
Now’s your chance
You can rest in it forever
I’ll watch your body bloat and rot

I’m going to kill you, you worthless idiot
I think I’ll do it slowly
So I can enjoy watching you die
(I attempted to scream, but)
What are you screaming for?
No one can hear you!
(His voice became demonic)

I blacked out

Evil had found me
And then left me
Washed up on the shore
Grasping to the last few threads of life
A Savior came to my rescue
God saved me in the nick of time
My clothes were tattered and torn
Debris everywhere
Surrounded by waste and garbage
I regretted
Every decision I ever made
That led to that moment
Yet I could still hear the devil’s melodies
Playing softly
In the distance

And I hated
That while I had nearly survived the ordeal
I still wanted to return

I looked up into the eyes of Jesus
His hand outstretched for mine
My tears falling down like raindrops
On a stormy day
He saw my pain
I was broken
And He healed and restored me

God’s love is profound
But I felt
That it wasn’t enough
To keep me from wandering back down
I was determined to stay bound
By those sins I thought held me hostage

And the cycle would repeat itself
All over again

But today
I realized something

It is the trick of the enemy
When I listen to him tell me

You’ll never be free
You’re going to have to deal with this
For the rest of your life

But I don’t have to deal with it
I don’t have to put up with anything
Because I am free
I’ll say that again
I don’t have to put up with anything
My sins I no longer tolerate
Because I have been released from it all

Perversion and wickedness
The feeling of loneliness
Is no longer who I am
I am the one
Who serves Great I Am
Praise God

Sin feels good
Yes, it does
But God is greater than a feeling
God’s eternity is better than fleeting
Flimsy, and fake
I hear the siren’s call
I feel the devil’s tug
And what I remind myself
Is what God told me years ago
When He first delivered me

This too shall pass

God told me that
As I sought deliverance
And the temptation was so great
That each time it hit me
It felt like a large, hard-hitting wave
Each time becoming bigger
And stronger

I felt so weak
I asked Him why
Of all the things I could struggle with
Why this one, Lord?
This is embarrassing
I don’t want this any longer

But then He eased my soul
As He said
There is a purpose to the Master Plan
Trust and believe that I am God
This too shall pass

Though the enemy may yell
And scream
Regardless of how loud he hollers
However seductive the vice may be
This too shall pass
I am not a slave
I am not obligated to live in his entrapment
I do not have to take the bait
I am saved and able to say

I will not go back
I will not do this again
I do not have to do what you say
I do not have to take every suggestion
You whisper into my ear
I don’t have to listen to a single word
I am not a victim
Nor am I your prey
I am a survivor
And I will survive this, too

I will ride my sailboat into the vast pacific
And I do not have to crash upon the rocks
Or die in a watery tomb

I will go wherever the Father takes me
This too shall pass

Keep it steady, hold on little sailor
For this too shall pass
You can make it
It will pass
And when the temptation subsides
You will see
That you were much stronger than you thought
That with God

You’re much stronger than you believe


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