Cleaning Out the Attic VI

(I wrote a one pager for One Page Fridays called “Hey Mr. (From Future Mrs.)” and then later expounded on it. So this is the extended version of the one page poem I originally wrote.)


One song
That’s literally all it took
Was one song
Taking somebody home
And as it seeped its way into my membrane
Old memories, old thoughts
Became dusted off
As they resurfaced
From the gutter of a grave I buried them in

I stared down temptation
For so long
Before I finally went for it
Like a kid
Purposefully sitting in front of the cookie jar
And as they inch closer and closer
They keep lying to themselves
Saying they won’t touch it
They won’t dare reach in

After I fully gave in
Fantasy after fantasy
Imagining my husband
And what all he’ll do to me
Not thinking anything of it
Because it’s my husband I’m thinking of
And when I’m married
It’ll be okay to think of my husband that way

Only to hear God say,
“But you’re not married.
I’m your Husband.
I’m your Husband
Before your husband.
Your mind should be on Me.”

This morning
Reminded of yesterday’s sins
But I dibble dally
And plunge in headfirst
Once again
Time after time
I’m on a roll
And then it occurs to me
When I come out of the fog
And the sinful haze clears

What I fantasize about marriage most
Is being able to sleep with one man
As much as I want
Without being out of the will of God
So Jesus tells me,
“If that’s the only reason
You want to get married,
Then you’re not ready
To be married.
Marriage is a whole lot more than that.”

Yet deep down,
In my heart I’m okay with that
Even though I know
A marriage solely based on lust
And sex
Won’t last
Even if they’re brought together
By God Himself

My words recoil in my mind
(I want to have sex
As much as want
Without me being out of the will of God)
The Spirit shows me
How selfish that is
And I hear Jesus speak to me again,
Saying how that isn’t fair
To my future husband

“How would you feel if a man
Only married you for that exact reason?”
My honest answer
I wouldn’t mind it
I’d be okay with that, actually

The Lord then reminds me
Of all those guys I detested
Because all they wanted
Was to sleep with me
And then He posed the question,

“What’s the difference?”

At first
I couldn’t see it
How the two were alike
I mean
At least in the second scenario
I’m not living in sin, right?
So what’s the big deal?
He wants to get married
I want to get married
We both get married and it’s a win-win
We both know what we want
We both get what we want
And no one’s sinning against God

But that question never did go away…

“So you won’t talk to the one
Who only wants to sleep with you,
But you’ll marry the guy
Who only wants to sleep with?”
Before I can dismiss it,
He added,
“Don’t you think you deserve better than that?
Don’t you think you’re worth more than that?”

That opens a whole new doorway,
Which leads to more inquiries,

“You’ll marry a man
Who doesn’t marry you
Because he loves you,
But because he wants someone to play with;
A toy he can reach for whenever he gets an itch.
He doesn’t truly want to be with you—
He just desires you
And what you can possibly give him.
You’ll marry that man,
Rather than wait for the one
Who doesn’t just love your body
But he loves every little thing about you—
Including your flaws and bad habits.
Who loves your spirit, your heart and your mind.
A man who sees you as his best friend,
His wife,
Before picturing you naked.
A man who’s so focused on Me,
He makes the effort to be the man I called him to be
Just for you
Instead of making it his mission
To bed you down
By rushing to the honeymoon.
That man will take his time
To get to know you,
To wait on Me
And the right season
But you say
You’d rather have the opposite
So I ask you again,
What is the difference?”

Up until that point
I had never saw it that way…
…and I suppose
I suppose I don’t value myself
Very much.

It took me 24 years
To see myself as a natural beauty
I don’t want it to take
24 more
Before I finally see the beauty
In being God’s daughter
A woman worth more than rubies

I’m cute
Down right attractive, if I say so myself
I look into the mirror
And I can see sexy
But I don’t see Jesus
I don’t see a woman of God
A woman on fire for Him
I only see physical
And I figure
Oh husband
That the only thing I can give you
Is myself
So that’s all I put on the table
That’s why I hope to be
You’re chocolate dipped
Honey kissed
Angelic ray of sunshine
I say I do mind the, “You’re pretty” compliments,
And that I rather have a man
Compliment me for my mind
And my talent,
But on the inside
As I take a peek inside
I’m beginning to see
I draw what I attract
And what I attract is a result
Of what I lack

True self worth in Christ
Understanding of what marriage really is
A spiritual mindset
A submissive heart for God
And a servant’s mentality
I am getting there
As far as with some of those things
But I’m nowhere close with most of them
A lot of them

No, not all of them. I’m making baby steps with one or two.

I just want to be the perfect bride for you,
But all I can think about
Is how beautiful I want to look
The day we first meet
And how stunning,
How radiant,
How captivating I want to be
When I walk down the isle to meet you
And say our I do’s

Which is another part of the problem
Because when I think of you
I think of you like superman
How you can do everything
You’re Mr. Fix It
Mr. Composer
Mr. Romantic and Passionate Lover
Mr. Comedian,
Dancer, Singer, Poet,
Martial Artist (black belt, by the way…
…the highest degree, of course)
Chef, Nice Smile, Nice Physic,
Smell Good, Look Good, Dress Well
I think of you
As my Mr. Everything
I think of you as my god
But you’re not God
And you’re not perfect
And I doubt you’ll even be
Half of those things
But you’ll be the man I need in my life

That should be enough for me,
But it isn’t

All I keep hearing
Replaying repeatedly on rewind
“Be specific! Gotta be specific!”
“If there’s something you want from God,
Tell Him and be specific!”
I know for sure
That I have prayed that you will be patient—
As in extremely patient
To have ministries in line with mine
Because I don’t just want to do poetry,
But songs too.
I prayed you’d be so in love with the Lord
That even I won’t get in your way
Jesus will always come first before me
I’m so selfish though,
That even as I write that
I now see I want to be number one
Above Jesus

That’s not a good thing…

I keep picturing this man I haven’t met
Nor seen
And I keep wondering
And pondering
What on earth you’ll be like
Only to think
What if you’re nothing at all
Like I had hoped for?
What if you’re nothing at all like the man
I had dreamed about?

I have so much work to do
More than I ever thought than before
As I examine this heart
I also come to notice
That I hope you’re praying for me,
But I have yet to pray for you

I haven’t even prayed that God keep you
And continue to help you grow and prosper
And flourish into the man He’s created you to be
Any time I pray for you
I pray that you’ll be the love of my life,
The man of my dreams
And everything I could hope for
Plus some
And beyond

It’s hilarious how even in my prayers
I only think about myself

Forgive me, God
I have a selfish heart
Shallow eyes
And a carnal way of thinking
But Lord,
If You could please remove this from me
Help me to change,
Help me to become the wife
That I need to be
Then I will understand
What marriage is
What it means

And Lord,
Let my husband be
Everything You’ve designed him for
Let him be confident in You
Teach him how to be more like You
And continue to guide him
In all Your ways
And God
I pray You will make me the wife he needs
And transform me
Into the mighty woman of God
You have empowered me to be
Let us both be there
For one another
Putting the other’s needs before our own
Teach us how to love one another
Prepare us for each other God
Show me there’s more to marriage
Than getting full access to the benefits
Help me to learn
And soak it in
That the benefits
Are not just consummation,
But being one body
In You
That the benefit
Is having You
And the bonus
Is being with each other
These things I desire so badly
I WANT to want to desire them
So desperately God
Infuse me with Your spirit
Plant Your seed of life within me

My mind is so warped,
But only You have the key
So Lord
Teach me, please

I reach for a song
But You say to me
That a scripture will do more for me
Than any song ever will
I pray You lead me to one
Every day of my life
And even the days after
I finally meet this man You send

You truly are
My best friend
Help me to comprehend
And marriage
That I have more to offer
Than just my body,
My mind,
Or anything of myself
But that a relationship with You
Is greater than anything I could ever
Hope to give this man
Help me to see
You are bigger than my self
You are greater than even this

Help me to move this mountain, Lord
Give me a Word to speak from my lips

And all I hear You say

“This, too, shall pass.”


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