Cleaning Out the Attic VIII

(This poem will be it for now until I come back from the holidays. This poem has no title as of yet, making it one of my untitled pieces. It is about pain and grieving; ironically I wrote it months prior to Sandy’s death. At the time I could only sympathize with the sorrow that comes with losing someone you care about, but not being able to relate to the process of having to work through the loss. After Sandy died, I found myself saying some of the very same things I wrote about being upset over in the poem. Through her death, God taught me empathy and at same brought this poem full circle for me.)

UNTITLED

As I watched a video
Done by one of my favorite poets today
I started thinking
About one of my friends
How I’d like to share it with her
And then I imagined
As it talked about a mother
Losing her son
How she would immediately stop
—watching it altogether
Say she was done
And never look at it again
And then I
Became angry

Angry about something
That’s only a hypothetical
It hasn’t even happened yet
But angry I became
Angry I was
Not just at this theoretical situation
But at people
Who possibly just like my friend
Are unwilling
To feel

“It hurts.”
“I don’t like this—it’s too sad.”
“I don’t like this—it makes me mad.”
“Why couldn’t this be a little more
Happier?”

Quickly
I found myself going from angry
To enraged
By people
And their decision not to feel
Anything
Until God reminded me
How I, too, choose not to feel
Anything
Friendships die off
Close relatives pass away
Things I held dear taken from me
And I become stoic
And stony
Over time

I say I love experiences
But I hate to experience
The good with the bad
And suddenly
I understand
That there is more to it
Than just choosing
Not to feel something
It’s about feeling it
And never wanting to ever feel it
—again

I pretend
As if I’m doing a freestyle
In front of all the poets
I hold in high regard
And I hear one tell me
As I grip tight to a mic,
“Just speak from the heart.”
The tears and emotions
Pushing through cracks in my
—demeanor
Like water forcing its way through a
—broken dam
I hear a chorus of
“It’s all right,”
And another,
“What do you feel?”

And suddenly
As I come back down to reality
I realize my ire is sparked by envy
Because the problem is that I feel too
—much
And all with great intensity
All at the same time
Even when I’m trying not to,
When I’m ready to just shut it all down
It all comes back up

I wish
That I could just turn it off
As easily as they do
I wish
I could just
Make it stop

But then
I hear that voice
The voice of the Lord
Whispering in my ear,
“Daughter,
What makes you think
It’s easy for them?
What honestly makes you believe
That you are the only one
Who feels everything?
What makes you think that they
—don’t experience
The same thing you do?

People hurt
Just like you do
Because you’re all human.
If someone you loved
Died,
If something you treasured
Went away,
And you didn’t feel a single emotion,
Then you truly never loved
Nor cared.
You have not loved nor cared
For anything or anybody
Until you go through loss
And mourning,
Until you agonize with them.
Can you go beyond your sympathy,
—Daughter,
And show some true compassion?

I allow you
To feel what you feel for a reason:
So you may be a help to those going
—through the same things,
To appreciate eternal paradise all the
—more
That you may be able to truly fellowship
—with My Son.
Daughter,
My precious, precious child,
If you had not felt pain
And heartache,
Sorrow and grief,
Or any kind of sadness on this earth
Then you would never want to leave
And here on this earth
Is not where I have destined you to
—be.
Your wings and robe cannot be earned
While you are still here
Feet planted on the ground.

While you are here,
However,
You will feel things,
You will experience things
And some of it will be painful
But not all of it bad.
Be a torch, a lamp,
Be My candle set upon a hilltop
Because even in the midst of the
—darkness,
You are a light
To so many people.
So Daughter,
Don’t be afraid
To tell them how you feel
Even if they never want to hear it.
Just know they will hear it
Because I reside in you
And I work through you
So that they might hear Me.

I am all they need to hear,
I am all they need to see.”

I return
To my previous thoughts
And I say
I am sorry

Truth is
We are all
Suffering
And some dealing
With weights too heavy
And griefs
Too great to bear
But just know
Your Father does care
And if everything was pleasant
You would never know heaven
Because you would rather stay
Here on this place that shall soon pass
—away
Than join Him in paradise
For all eternity

The pain reminds you
That there is always something better
The rain will come
But the sun does shine
After while
So learn to be grateful for it when it
—does

There is a time
And a season
For even this

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