Cleaning Out the Attic XI

(I’m gonna go ahead and start winding the series down now. Thank you to all of those who have been reading and following my work. This next piece is “Quiet Musings II.” It is not a sequel, but just a second part to my ‘ponderings’ so to speak.)

QUIET MUSINGS II

I dream too much

Nothing wrong with being a dreamer
But God showed me
That goals are dreams defined
And a vision
Is a long-term goal outlined
By those short ones you made
Out of your dreams
But

I dream too much
I dream way too much

You don’t wake up one day
And find yourself
Exactly where you’ve always wanted to be

You’ve got to work for it

There are several steps to the process
Key things you must do
But unfortunately
I find myself more and more reluctant
To pay my dues

So I write in my notebook
On my blog
In the rough draft for this book
And those very things I desired to be
I simply smile now and say
My, my
Wouldn’t that be nice?

I dream too much

I’ve lived out many versions
Of my would-be life
Call it a long running television series
The commercial break
Is my day-to-day
Everyday existence
Little holy girl
Who’s still looking for penance
Which makes sense
Because sometimes these imaginings
Are somewhat self-inflicted

Concocting up the impossible
Impossible possibilities
I just want to be finished
But I’m still under construction
Excuse the sawdust

I cue action
The camera ends
A film begins

He and I
How we meet
The awkward phase
Of friendship
Becoming more intimate
The proposal
Swiftly moving through the wedding
The ceremony
Honeymoon
Honeymoon
Honeymoon…yeah
I’ll stay on that a few more days
Our future children
My future daughter
She’ll take after me
But her style will be unique
My son
He’ll be like his father
And he’ll be a handful
But we’ll love them dearly

Pop
Fizzle out

I just took a look
At my bank account

I’m currently unemployed at the moment

I don’t have a job
But I have bad spending habits
And as I reach for one more thing I shouldn’t,
A thought comes
Strong, resounding
Comes to slap down my hand
As a grave surreal realness
Blares at me

How could you possibly take care of
A family
And you can barely take care of yourself?
In fact
You can’t
You can’t take care of yourself
Responsibility?
You don’t even know what that means
It’s a quality you don’t even possess right now
Imagine if you had two hungry kids
And a bank account like that
In the red
What would you do?
How would you feed them?
What will you say
When they say
Mommy—we’re hungry
And you have nothing to give them
Other than the inedible stuff you bought

What if your husband was laid off
And you still had some bills coming up?

Pray it away and hope for the best?
A true proverbs woman handles her business
Takes care of her household

You still depend on someone to take care of you

I hear all of this
And yet
I continue the monotonous pattern
As exciting as boring was
I’m becoming bored with it
I’m bored with it
But I’m too afraid to let go

I dream too much

I’m too afraid to stand on my own
That’s why I really won’t move out
I’m scared to get behind the wheel
Don’t get me wrong
I desire it
More than anything I desire to learn
How to drive
So when I do eventually get a job
I can get myself to work
Get myself to school

I hear what they think of me
I can’t read minds
I don’t have telepathy
But I know what they think
Because I think it almost daily

Look at her
Still in her mother’s house
She’s in grad school
But she’s only trying to delay
The inevitable
No job
Can’t drive
And she comes up here to her mother’s work
All the time
On that laptop
Using up the Wi-Fi
She still hasn’t found someone either
You think she would’ve
At least
Found a man by now

I look at myself
Then women my age
And realize
I’m way behind the curve
So no,
They don’t have to think out loud
Because the same disappointment
Shadowing over their eyes
Like an invisible cloak
Is the same shadow I see in my own
Every time I look in mirror

I don’t feel disappointed
But as I age
That once youthful gaze
Fades
It has faded
Disappeared

It has been replaced
By the look of a woman
Desperately searching
For more time
And I don’t always feel it
But sometimes
I’m unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse
That’s why I don’t stare
Into my mirrored image for too long
Because I know I’ll see it

And often along with it
Comes the slow sigh off my lips

I made a promise to that little girl
I told her
I told her we’d be selling books
And publishing our very own
Number one bestsellers
Encouraged her
By indulging in these vivid fantasies
Of people all over the world
Reading our works

“Published in at least 7 or 10 languages…
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>…sold in 15 different countries.”
That was supposed to be by age 25
I hope to recite this one day
So I won’t restrict it with dates
But

I’m thinking of breaking that promise

I create new ones
But my older self cannot be lied to
As easily as the younger
Because she’s not a little girl
She’s a young woman
And we’re both old enough to know
Push has finally come to shove
And something has got to give
I’ve got to give her something
Other than empty words
Wishful thoughts that sound really good
Because we both know
In order for this thing to happen
Action has to take place

Otherwise
I need to bench those fantasies
And let them watch from the sidelines
The young woman is angry
And I feel it surface occasionally
When I spot someone else
Living out what they set out to do

I don’t want to work a 9-5
Busting my butt and walking home
On aching, sore feet
I want what I want
What that little girl always wanted
To do what she said she wanted to be when she grew up
I become saddened
When thinking of a reality
That excludes that dream from it

But then I think
What’s wrong with that?
My mother did it for me

There were so many things
She wanted to do
So many things
She had wanted to see

Yet she gave it all up
All for her three
I being the youngest
And for whom still
She makes sacrifices

Nothing more than I would love
To give back to her

But how?
Because right now
I know I need to work
But truthfully
I don’t want to

But I know I have to
Because bills are coming up
And this insurance stuff
Is no joke
Believe me
No one is laughing around here

I hate growing up

It’s time to leave Neverland
It’s time to grow up
But I can’t just leave that little girl behind
I can’t bear to disappoint her
Or discourage her any longer
Than I already have

I have got to rise and shine
I have got to stop dreaming

It’s time to wake up
Time to wake up

It’s time, little girl, it’s time
But

I dream too much

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