Cleaning Out the Attic XV

(This will be the last one until I decide to pick up the series again. This last poem I’ll be sharing is called “Blank Space.” I remember several people encouraging me to date even though God was telling me to sit down. I then thought about how so often we waste each other’s time being in a pointless relationship when we know Jesus never told us that was the person for us. A lot of times we won’t even consult Jesus about the person we wish to pursue—we just go for it and decide to let the chips fall where they may.

Thank you all so much for following the series and I’ve got some new stuff I want to put up on here so #StayTuned for that. Thanks again, and until next time, take care and God bless.)

BLANK SPACE

Blank space is what I’ll call it
Blank space
That endless sea of white
Emptiness
It is never full
It remains open for new thoughts
—and ideas to come through
Then they’re gone
Erased like the words and thoughts
Off a dry-erase board
No traces
No anything
No more

I didn’t think it was fair
When some guy used me,
Lied to me,
Tried to manipulate my mind—
Only one of them succeeded
And spun me so deep in a whirlwind
I found myself in great denial

The denial was not their fault
It was me blinding myself
In an attempt
To ignore what was in front of me

The truth

Me and this guy
I so desperately sought to have
Were not meant to be
He had not been designed
Nor crafted to fit me
He was meant for someone else
And quite frankly
In a lot of cases
They were still due for construction
Remodeling of their spiritual foundations
With so many cracks and fissures
They were falling apart inside-out
Which is probably why they didn’t respect
—women they way they should’ve
Or,
It is more than likely the reason
They were like me

He’s not really my type
But eh, what the heck
They’ll do until something nicer comes

Occasionally some of the those same men
—got the short end of the stick
I had no intentions of being with any
—of them
I was bored
They thought they were schoolin’
—me
But they were actually the entertainment
A distraction from being single
By at least pretending I had some kind of
Love interest
But nothing legit

At the same time
It was tragic
Because I sought after those winks
—and flirtatious grins
Like a coke fiend doing lines
And as much as I hated those pick ups
They were pick em ups for my self
—esteem
Nothing like using the eyes of a man
As your mirror
And seeing a glimpse of the beauty
You never saw within yourself
It was exhilarating

They weren’t ever enough however
It just fed into my lust
Revealing that I had
Quite a few repairs needed
In the foundation of my own
Jesus knocked on the door
But I kept ignoring Him
I was hoping He’d think no one was home

I don’t think it’s fair
Wasting somebody’s time
When you know this relationship’s going
—absolutely nowhere
A friendship is not what I had in mind
Because when I advanced or he
—approached
I was not thinking of him in the same
—fondness
That I had for guy friends of mine

I certainly didn’t stare down
Any of the male friends I had
Or mentally undressed them multiple
—times
While running down scenarios
Of how the first button would become
Undone

Of course
He had to pass the screening
Within my narrow
Close-minded
Shallow and superficial perspectives
And those that did not make the cut
Didn’t stand a chance anyway
I had no desire or longing for them
So off to the friend zone he goes
Unless he tried to crawl his way out
—of that confined compound
Then I severed the ties
And cut our losses
In severe cases
If he was unrelenting to give up
I swung a sledgehammer with all my might
Aiming for his heart
…WHACK

Broken pieces littering the ground
I’d leave him to put it back together
One microscopic fragment at a time

Back to the present
A few years older
A bit wiser
And slightly more mature
Why string the man along?
Why continue to use him as a quick fix
—for my loneliness?
Why let him think he has a shot
When I’m really just using him
As a filler for the void hanging inside
—this small frame
Until the guy I’m really supposed to
—be with comes along?
Or even worse,
Until I tire of him and find a new
—man to occupy my time?

I guess they’re all just practice for
—the real thing, right?
—-
Look,
I understand your concern
But perhaps there are some things
—you should consider
Before interfering

God has us do things
That even those within the church
—house
See as odd
“You sure God told you that?”
“Well see, what I think He meant was…”
“I mean yeah, that’s good and all,
But what I think you ought to do is…”
You think I would get
A round of applause
For waiting on God
Especially for a woman at my age
Instead of choosing to be the wrong
—woman
In the right woman’s way

Constantly
I was the wrong woman
In the right woman’s way
I notice we tend to do that a lot
So busy being occupied
With the wrong person’s time
That God can’t get us to the right one
The one He made just for us
Could you imagine
What would happen
If everyone was using one another
As a placeholder?
How sad that would be.
And yet that is exactly what some of
—us are doing
We use people as placeholders
For the one true and living God

Jesus loves us with an everlasting love
But we scrounge around for the physical
The temporal
The stuff we can’t take with us
Nor does not last
As long as we hoped it would

As long as we needed it to

Being single is not a curse;
It’s a gift
Given to me by the Holy Father
While He uses this time
To work on me
And prepare me for the man
The man God said
Out of this rib will I make you a woman
—name Jacqueline Sìmone
And one day you two shall meet
Together you shall become husband
And wife

Singleness is not a curse
So much more of me gets to be used
God gets more of my time
I’m not juggling it
Between a family
A job
And a ministry
God gets all of me this way
He gets more

God is preparing me
So stop treating me as though I’m cursed
You have no idea what it is the Lord
—is doing
Or what all is going on in my house
You cannot see it
Therefore you don’t know
Nor do you understand

And I could try and spend more time
Explaining it even further
But you’d probably still try to debate
—with me
On my interpretation of a promise
Given to me by the Lord God Himself
So hush, be quiet
God has already written it
Therefore it is done
He has given me my instructions
—-
So no,
I don’t think that’s fair
To play games with a person’s heart
Knowing full and well
That person is not supposed to be there
And to tell God
After He made a promise to you
That you’re still going to do
Whatever it is
You’re going to do

Yes,
I could talk to any man I want to
Could spend all the time in the world
—with him
It’s not like I don’t get any men
Coming along with their offers
Rest assured
They come by
It is not my fear of being in a bad
—relationship
Nor unrealistic expectations
Of fear of commitment that I push
—him away

But my fear of the Lord
To do as the Father has said

And just wait

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