One Track Futility (Poem)

ONE TRACK FUTILITY            9/28/16

I
Am tired
Of running
In circles
With you
And your knife
And your blade
Protruding
Through your words
And non-sensical ideas
And thoughts
I am tired
Of
You

Hello Dad

Your thoughts are shallow
“You’re twenty eight years old.
You can’t swim…
You don’t know how to drive…
Get off your ass
And get a job…”
A REAL job
Writing has always been
A hobby to you
And these past few years
Have been extremely slow
In all the years I’ve been doing poetry
Not one time have you purchased
Either one of those books I self published
Neither
Did you even recognize
How decent my work was
Until sometime this year
“…yeah, you’ve got talent.”
That’s what you said
Meanwhile
Everyone else already recognized that
Thanks for showing up to the party
Late as usual
Better late than never
But it would’ve been better
If you had never shown up at all…
As usual…

I’m tired of being the little girl
With daddy issues
That child
Who deep down inside
Still wants to have
Some kind of
Any kind of
Relationship with you
And to be honest
I’m just about all but done

I look back to then
And gaze at the now
And I’m amazed
At how one point
I used you
As an example for girls
And other young women
Such as myself
Who hated their fathers
Young boys
And young men
Who wished their father would
Up and disappear
Like the cheap magic trick they felt
–he was
That it’s possible
To have some sort of reconciliation

But I look at you
And I see the saying
Misery loves company
In the flesh
Because no matter how many times
I forgive you
No matter how many times
I try to let go
Move on
Start a new chapter
Turn leaf after leaf
I’m still left bleeding
From all the paper cuts

And yet
There is still hope in me
But something has to be
Different

Out of desperation
I made the choice
To love you from a distance
As I slowly watch the walls
Crumble around you

Misery must love company
Because only a miserable person
Creates their own island
Pretends to make nice
With past persons
They have quarreled with previously
Only to try and burn down the bridge
With those people still on it

I am tired
I
Am
So
RIDICULOUSLY
Exhausted
From all the years
Of doing
This
Writing poems
Like this
Going back and forth
Making excuses
Biting my tongue
Asking the Lord for forgiveness

I have wished you dead
For the third time in two years now
This is becoming quite
Toxic

“Aren’t you supposed to be a Christian?”
It irks me
How the many people
Who ask me that
Don’t even know what “Christian” is
Anger but sin not
Fathers, provoke not your children
–to wrath
But bring them up in the nurture
And admonition of the Lord
Oh
I know what the verse before that says
And I do honor my mother
But to honor my father
I have to separate myself from you
I must go to my prayer closet
Because even though I am boiling with rage
THAT…is what I must do

It. Is. Necessary.

Swimming, driving…
I would think
At this point and time
It’s time out for things
You could’ve taught me when I was 12 or 16
And start teaching me things
At 28
That are more important
Like, I don’t know,
Doing taxes
Renting an apartment for the first time
What to watch for
In a man who’s up to no good
And who is only seeking to rob me
Of my virginity
You know…so he won’t brag to his friends
How he tapped that
And smashed that b…
Well…
I think you get it

At 28
Shouldn’t I be learning about IRAs
And savings accounts
For my kids?
Mortgages
What to invest in
And when to trade in on my stock?
How to prepare for retirement?

I would add more sarcasm
But…
It would defeat
The whole purpose of this
I think
It is already obvious
That I am my father’s daughter
I take my cues from you
I take enjoyment
From hurting people sometimes
In my rage
There is also a malicious glee there
From calculating what to say
Refusing to back down
And going in for the kill

But again, over and over again,
I

Am

Tired

And I

Am

Through with it.
I rid my hands of this.

I cannot
And I will not
Do this
With you
Again

So

For the last time
I bid thee
Adieu
Sayonara
Adios
And farewell

I have cried my tears
These wells are hallow now
And my heart is becoming
Just as empty
And all I can do
Is pray for God
To take over
I, for one
Know how it feels
To walk alone
In the barren wilderness
Blaming everyone and everybody
For why you are by yourself
When it was you who did it
To yourself
All along

Yes,
I know how it feels
And…
Quite frankly…
I feel sorry for you

If this is what it will take
For Jesus to breakthrough
Then so be it
I just pray it happens soon
So you will not have to endure
All the pain
Longer than you need to

I
Will create some space
I
Will leave some distance
Because like I said
It is beyond time and past due
To do something different
And I must simply pray
On your behalf
That something changes
That you will not go down into that
Dark night
Fiercely into the grave
Shaking at fist
Only to be burned away

And no
I will not talk to you
I will not answer when you call
Until His work is done
Until He says
It is okay
Because this can’t continue
And we cannot go on like this

I would say the same
To any other man
Who I had a volatile relationship with
Therefore
Why should I endure it
With a man I know
Even closer than that?

The saddest part of all of this
Is that I fear
You’ll read
Only what you desire to read
And get only what you imagined
Out of this
And you’ll attack me
Like you always do
And if that does happen to be so
All I’ll be able to do
Is stew in my ire
While feeling even more
Bitter sorrow
For a deaf and blind man
Who still has yet
To hear and see
Clearly

One day
I have hope
That things will be different
But today
All I can do
Is hope
And all I can choose
Is not to be angry
In spite of the wrath
That blazes inside

All I can do
Is choose
Not to be angry

Anymore

One final time
Goodbye

(Just finished writing a continuation of this with another piece on my Tumblr. Feel free to read it: Fishing Lures)

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