Silent Screams (Poem & Post)

woman-screaming

I had an explosive bout with fear and anxiety. I’ve never had an anxiety attack before, but if I had to guess, I’m certain that’s what it was. I shared my experience with a couple of people and they didn’t seem to understand what I was so antsy about. Truth is, I always get nervous around meeting/interacting with new people or being around people I don’t know. If I don’t know you, I don’t trust you. It’s as simple as that.

So I decided I would write a poem about it. I hope by doing so, it helps them and others to understand my plight better:

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Blind Ambition

blind-ambition

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve taken up a new project recently.

I made a list of things I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but stopped pursuing or hadn’t pursued. Either because I felt like I would never be able to do it or because I thought I wasn’t capable enough to go after it.

One of those was: To become fluent in Spanish and Japanese.

I’ve been studying Spanish since junior high, high school and all through college, but I have yet to be able to hold a conversation. Japanese was something that always interested me, but I kept hearing how difficult it was to learn it. I was discouraged and would think, “Man, sure would be nice if I could speak it…but that probably won’t happen sooo…”

I finally made up my mind that I will learn Spanish and Japanese. There’s a reason He planted a desire in me to learn languages. Whatever desire or passion the Lord give you He will help you become achieve it. Trust Him and get to work.

So for about the past two or three weeks I have been consistently using my Spanish and Japanese apps, watching teaching videos, taking notes, etc. I dedicated an hour each to learning them (and was planning to increase that time.) I was super thrilled about the slow, yet steady progress I was making…

…then one day as I went to study, God said to me, “That’s great that you’re excited…but where is your passion for Me?”

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Eyes on the Prize

hebrews-12-1

“Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,” (Hebrews 12:1 KJV)

I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve realized that I allowed my problems to consume me. I forgot to remember, “I will not obsess over my problems. (Psalm 121:1)” I’ve been so distracted by what’s not going right, disappointments and every other little hectic hiccup in the road that I can’t do what I need to do.

Correction: I haven’t been doing what I need to do.

It wasn’t until toward the beginning of this week when I noticed it. I was struggling just to get through the day, and then I remembered that I hadn’t been posting snippets regularly for my book. God helped me to recall the young lady who told me she looked forward to those snippets because they kept her encouraged. I started not to post anything up that day, but my mind kept going back to her.

When you fail to do what you’re supposed to other people suffer. Especially when God has given you something to say to them.

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