The Editing Process


I don’t want to be here next year.

That’s what I keep thinking to myself as I look back over the year thus far and all the other years prior. I’m tired of constantly finding myself in the same situation—the exact same situation—every year.

However, I’m also tired of making excuses for why I’m not where I should be.

I’m tired of being disobedient.

I’m done with not putting the Lord first in all things, submitting and giving Him complete and total control over my life.

And most importantly, I’m tired of making false promises to myself (and to God really) about how I’m going to be better next year, or even today.

I’ve been thinking to myself how I want true growth; I want to see an all around change in my life. Not just today, or next year, but every day I’m alive.

The Lord has shown me recently the biggest reason for why I continue to find myself going in circles is because of my heart. There are so many holes and scars over it, and I keep trying to find other people and things to fill and repair it with, but only He can. Only God can fix it, only God can repair hearts. Hence why you can do all the right things, say all the right things, but if you’re heart isn’t right then things continue to remain in a jacked-up state.

(SONG: Big Daddy Weave, “My Story”)

Listening to this song reminded me today that there is still victory in my life. I still have hope and promise because of Christ who lives in me. That is VERY real, regardless of the countless promises that were broken or times I was foolishly set on doing things my way. I consider all of that and I glance back over these some odd 28 years I’ve been on this earth.

Jesus is showing me that change IS happening.

It has not been easy, but for the first time ever I set a goal and I’m finally sticking to it. Midway this year I decided to teach myself two languages; the experience has been wonderful naturally and spiritually. I have the determination in me to keep going despite the days when I don’t feel like going over verb conjugations for Spanish verbs or practice writing the entire hiragana and katakana syllabaries. I’ve made a few acquaintances, and dare I say, a friend or two. It has brought about a desire in me to think beyond my four walls, to consider going out and exploring a world beyond my own.

God has shown me that He’ll use you most when you are least expecting Him to. There will always be an opportunity for your light to shine; doors will open right up. You don’t have to parade around with a flashlight and shine it in everyone’s faces. You don’t have to go banging on doors and try to force your way in. Just be patient and be ready for Christ to use you.

Through many pains I’ve suffered this year, in the hurt the Lord has revealed so many weaknesses I have. He has also shown me I have many strengths as well.

This is bigger than just making a New Year’s resolution. This is about commitment.

So, I want to pray with those of you who are like me. For those of you who keep finding yourself in the same rut or facing the same dead-end despite taking a different route…

Every. Single. Year.

Let’s pray today:

Lord, the year isn’t over yet but we thank You anyway. We thank You for keeping us throughout the year. We thank You for the things You have done and are doing in our lives each day. We are more blessed and fortunate than we could ever fathom, and for that God, we give You thanks. Jesus, I am asking to You to come in and transform our hearts so we can have a complete transformation. We desire a complete transformation not just in us, but in everything and everyone connected to us. We know that can’t happen though until we become submissive and obedient to Your will.

So Lord, help us to surrender totally and fully to You. Remind us that Christ still lives and change is already taking place. It began by recognizing we are in desperate need of something different. Things can no longer stay the same, so Jesus help break the cycle and guide us. Aid us in committing to You and only You. For Lord if we commit to You then we know there are so many promises and blessings we shall see. Not just monetarily or physically, but from within.

Once again, Jesus, thank You. Thank You so, so much. We ask all these things in faith because we know it’s not over. We may be tired and thoroughly exhausted with ourselves, but You have told us when we come to You in faith it WILL be done. When we ask of things that are of You in Your name, it WILL be done. It is already being done right now and for that we say thank You.

Lord, thank You. In Jesus name I pray, amen.



Strangled (Poem)

Rather than write a post, I decided I’d write a poem instead. I hope you all receive something from this.



“Blessed are the pure in heart:
for they shall see God.”

Matthew 5:8

I had a dream about you
The other night
And in it
Was a grieving woman
Crying over the loss of her son
She was talking to someone
And then she called me over
And she told me,
“It’s not worth it.
Your father, it’s not worth it.”
Tears began to run down

I remember waking up
Feeling light in my spirit
Happy in my heart
As I thought to myself
I should call him
I’ll call him today

Then I went back to sleep
And when I woke up again
Little by little
I recalled every argument we ever
Every time I forgave you
Only to end up hating you
All over again
By noon,
I was strongly against it
Very adamant
That anger seeped back in
And just like that
My heart hardened

Truth is,
I’m tired of fighting with you
But I’m also sick of making nice
At this point of my life
I don’t even care about getting
I just want to be over it
I’m begging for cordial
And praying for miracles

Most people in my situation
Who have tumultuous relationships
—with their fathers
Usually don’t find reconciliation
Until their father finally comes to God
And they’re both much, much older
And shortly after
It’s time for their father to go on to

I’ve accepted the fact
That it’s highly likely that you
And I
Will never get along
We can’t get through the rest of the
For being stuck on the same song
Always the same song

I can feel the anger surging
Right now

And yet
A great sadness as well
Because you may die
Never becoming the man
God created you to be
You may go to your grave
Blaming everyone for why things
The way that they are
But never looking into the mirror
And examining the person
Staring you back in your face

When I think this
All I hope for
Is if that should happen
I can find solace
And peace in my heart
At least
I hope I can find those things
Before something like that happens

Perhaps that dream
Was trying to tell me something

It’s not the first time I’ve dreamt
About you
The one I had before this one
You were sick
You looked terrible
And you were angry
And we were both doing everything
In our power
To avoid each other

As I read the verse for this month’s
Monthly Tidbit
For the church newsletter
I hear God speaking now to me
As the words to this poem come

Can you see God with a black heart?
Can you bear to look Him in the face?

“Daughter,” He told me the other day,
You are killing yourself.
You are slowly killing yourself.
Give it to Me.
Let it go,
And give it to Me.”

One day
I’m going to have to talk to you

And one day
I will let it all go once again
And no matter what you say
Even if you should choose
To play that same tune
Over and over again

I will not pick it back up

Even when you do