(In)dependence

tired_tim-baker

Artwork “Tired” by Tim Baker

“Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?” (Galatians 3:3 KJV)

We came crawling to the altar pleading, begging, God for help. A cry birthed from the desperation for change, tormented souls knowing that change was in order and we needed it ever so badly… So all that considered, why is it that we get so far in Christ and suddenly think we don’t need Him anymore? The flesh rises up, our pride gets in the way because we’ve been saved so long that it almost seems needless to go asking Him for help. Then again, why would we? We’re not that same weak, pitiful scrawl of existence that came to Him before. We’re stronger now; we can handle things all on our own.

But that’s just it…we CAN’T. We can’t handle it by ourselves, we never could. It’s what got us to such a lowly state in the first place. We were never strong enough; it was always Him, always Jesus, bearing and shouldering all the weight from all the burdens we placed on ourselves…

And when He reaches out to try and take it away, we dare to snarl at Him like wild dogs. Insisting that He stay back.

Because…because we can’t stand to be reminded we’re not the mighty superhero with the cape. We’re not the ones in control, but yet we have the choice.

So why not choose freedom?

Ever since I decided to pick up my pen again, to make an effort to write, poems come and swirl all around me, but it’s as if I can’t pin them down. I can’t make them stay long enough to put them on paper or type them up. Instead they continue to swirl and spiral away into oblivion. Last week I wrote a poem representing what I’ve been dealing with for the past few weeks, but I wanted to expound on it.

I’ve stared at my book sales, looked at the few things I’m doing to try and get things moving with my writing, and honestly it felt as though it was going absolutely nowhere. Rather than dealing with the disappointment and feelings of hopelessness inside me I buried it with distractions. Eventually those distractions became spiritually unhealthy, which led to backsliding and some very bad, old habits. I fell back into masturbation and perversion. I felt depressed some days, overcome with sadness.

udavyani-com_drowning

Photo source: Google Images

Then…I got angry.

What did it matter that I was reverting right back to my old ways? I had already failed, apparently…better yet, I felt like God had failed me. “Why do You keep having me do this? WHY!” It seemed so foolish and stupid to continue doing something where I was clearly struggling. Here I was, boosting and promoting ANOTHER book that seemed to be ANOTHER flop, and Christ once again was urging me to write another one. So I had my tantrum and I stopped engaging in His Word, I stopped praying and mediating. I just stopped.

But once Christ is in you, He’s in you. I couldn’t escape the conviction wrestling in heart. I knew I needed deliverance, I knew I needed help, but just like with this book (and the one before it) I thought I could do it all on my own. I got myself into this mess, I’d get myself out.

Things were better…for awhile…then I was right back at it again.

I became overwhelmed with the need to reach out, but I buried everything and kept it all to myself. I knew I needed to repent, to get back up, and yet it seemed impossible. I was so convicted at one point that I couldn’t even say grace when I ate. In my mind I thought, how can I thank God and ask Him to bless my food when I know I’ve done wrong? How do spit in someone’s face, apologize, go back and do it again, rub it in and then ask for a favor?

In spite of all of this, the Lord steadily continued to speak to me by sending me scriptures:

lion

Photo source: Google Images

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:” (I Peter 5:8 KJV)

When I began to try and disassociate myself from my sin, walking around pretending as though I was fine, He sent me another scripture:

“Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.” (Matthew 5:8 KJV)

And then there’s the verse I posted at the very beginning of this.

I didn’t just need Jesus when I came to the altar to claim Him as my Savior that day. I need Him every single day of my life.

Truthfully I feel so broken right now that I don’t know what to do with myself at times. Still, God brings back to mind that brokenness is a perfect place to be. It allows for the chance to be rebuilt and transformed into someone better. I don’t have to do this thing by myself; it’s already been done. I don’t have to keep going on like this and it’s not all on me. All I have to do is trust God and walk in the path He’s already laid out for me.

Do you realize that Jesus has literally rolled out the red carpet for us with His blood? However we often choose to sidestep it and walk on the dilapidated sidewalk instead. All because we think we can do it.

Only us and us alone.

No, we’ve got it wrong. Only CHRIST alone. Only Christ alone can fix it, only Jesus can repair it, only Jesus alone knows the answers, only Jesus alone is in control and only Jesus alone will there with us until the very end beyond the end. Last night the Lord had me go through some old poems. In one of them it said,

When you’re falling,
The key is not to fall faster

This is not the first time that I’ve been knocked down, and it won’t be the last, but I cannot forget where my help and my strength comes from. Even in our mess, Jesus still loves us. Rather than dig a deeper grave, let’s choose to surrender.

I don’t know where to start, but I dare say that surrounding would be a great place to begin.

Surrender. Know that God IS with you and regardless of what it seems like, He will always come through. I pray for those who may be going through a similar dilemma that you’ll remember how much God absolutely loves you and adores you. When you’re deep in sin it can be easy to forget, so please remember and please…

Surrender. Do it today.

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One thought on “(In)dependence

  1. Pingback: (Jan 20.) Vol. 7, No. 2 – shnewsletter

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