Fantasy VS Reality: Part IV (FINAL)

poison_apple_by_cuteemo6923

Photo source: Google Images

Why can’t you grasp it?
I kept asking myself this
You know it’s poison
Slowly killing you from the inside
Out
Like buying the sweetest candy
Known in the world
Hard, crunchy shell
Soft, delicate center

Its glimmer makes every mouth
—water
Its shimmer so appetizing
You feel compelled to take a bite
And you bite
Only to discover it’s rotten
Down to the core
But still,
You continue to eat it
You keep buying that garbage
Even though you know
The result is you reeling in sickness
Head stuck in the toilet
As you upchuck every bit of that bag
Of false delights you wasted time,
Money
And energy on…
You know this
And yet
You still keep doing this
So
Why?
Why do you keep doing it
If you know it’s only going to make you
Sick?
Yeah,
I keep asking myself this
Why do I continue to buy into the lie
When I know it’s only going to result
In heartbreak, heartache
And more and more grief
Why, oh why, O’Lord
Do I keep doing this
To me?

I remember sitting down one night and I began writing to God. I wanted to better understand why it was I kept falling victim to romanticism. Why did I continuously catch myself up in a snare when I knew the result would mean disaster? I knew ahead of time that runaway fantasy would never come true, but I continued to by into the lie anyway. I went through an episode of this about a week or two ago. I began to grow fond of one of my language partners; it was so nice talking to him everyday, and eventually I started entertaining the thought of “what if.” It didn’t take long before I got ahead of myself (for the infinite time) and had thoughts of us as a couple…until I found out he had a longtime girlfriend.

This is constantly happening to me
I wind up breaking my own heart
For putting all my hopes and desires
Into something
That is non-existent
Like taking all your precious
Treasures and riches
And throwing them straight into the
—abyss
A black hole that devours it
Void of any emotion or sympathy
You can’t even say it enjoys it
Because it’s just simply doing
What a black hole does

—Snippet from “Dark and Twisted Nature”
by Jacqueline S. Sadberry

I was hurt like I had been in times before, but this time was somewhat different. I was extremely angry and bitter, too. I felt myself spiraling into a dark place, thinking, “I just want to be happy…why do I have to go through this crap again? How do I always manage to do this to myself? Why? At this rate I’m always going to be alone! I don’t get it—not again, not again…” After getting everything off my chest, the Lord told me I’m addicted to the fantasy because “everything is perfect. You’re complete. Real life isn’t like that; it’s messy…”

Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow, and ultimately, we don’t want to believe it. We just can’t accept it for what it is so we continue to wallow around in denial. We keep eating that poisonous waste disguised as something delicious. “This time will be different.” “That happened with the last, but this one is sure to work!” “I know I’ll find love this time around. Just wait and see.”

Even when the truth is right there in front of us, and Jesus reveals the devil’s deceptive tactics—detailing every move—we fall for the trap again and again.

cold_medicineFlickrellie

Photo source: Google Images

I wish I could say that I’ve conquered my battle with romanticism, but I can’t. Right now I wrestle with embracing the truth; God’s Truth.

I have moments of clarity from time to time, “God’s love doesn’t hurt like this.” “The love of God will never deceive you.” “There has to be more to life than fairytales gone bad.” As of late, I realize that I can’t reach the root of the issue for walking in circles around it. Part of that is because I want to know, and then again, I don’t. I’m sure if I can handle it… Somehow I sense once Jesus reveals it to me, it’s going to send me flying.

But I know that I desperately need to end this. This isn’t something I want to take into a marriage…

I can’t un-see
What I’ve already seen
He made his choice
He made it well
I must now go back to waiting
For someone to make that choice
For me

I want to be the one a man chooses
Not out of convenience
Or because it felt right at the time
Or because we’re both two single,
—good-looking people
With nothing else to do
But because
He actually fell in love with me
When he looked at me
He saw me right away right as his wife
And he somehow knew
That I would be

I will be
Someday
I will, you know?

—Snippet from “Dark and Twisted Nature”
by Jacqueline S. Sadberry

Over the time I’ve been writing this series, I’ve come to see this isn’t something that will affect me and my future husband. My friendships and relationships with my family have been affected to a certain degree, too. It takes; it has taken away so much from the people in my life who deserve more from me. This self quest for self-gratification has damaged me in more ways than one. Therefore it’s highly important that I do something about it TODAY, rather than bury myself in the façade once more.

I may not be completely delivered of this—I honestly didn’t expect this series to go in the direction it did—but I’m glad that I finally listened to the Lord and wrote it. It’s helping me to come to terms with what’s going on with me. I’m not in denial about it anymore.

Time to stop walking in circles and looks towards gaining a healthy future, both naturally and spiritually.

road-into-sun-rs

Photo source: Google Images

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One thought on “Fantasy VS Reality: Part IV (FINAL)

  1. Pingback: (April 7) Vol. 7, No. 11 – shnewsletter

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