The “Re-Reintroduction”

It seems I’ve had to introduce and reintroduce myself several times throughout the years:

Jacqueline: the shy girl.
The writer.
The gamer.
The Christian.
The anime lover.
The language learner.
The vegan.
The small business owner.

And I’m sure there’s some other things I’ve left out, like Jacqueline: Snorlax’s cousin (because ya girl loves eating and napping.)

Over time I’ve come to discover so many interesting and curious things about myself. I haven’t always embraced them, but I’m growing and learning how to embrace who I’m becoming. The truth is I’ve always struggled with the question: who am I?

Originally, I found my identity in what I did, and thus, that’s precisely how I would respond.

“I’m an author.”
“I’m a poet.”
“I’m an author and a poet.”
Etc., etc.

However, I recently decided to take a mental vacay from social media. Mentally I could feel myself falling apart from trying to keep up with all the hats I was wearing. Such as:

• The Christian who posts scriptures with aesthetic pictures.
• The Admin for the Japanese discord for BGLL (Black Girls Learn Languages, a group for which I’m one of the moderators).
• The Language Blogger and Content Creator trying to share my language learning journey and small tidbits about my life that are (hopefully) interesting.
• The Bible Study Teacher who leads both the bible studies for the general body and our women’s bible study (T3 – Tea Time Tuesdays).
• The Faithful Language Partner.
• The Language Conversation Coach.

And whatever else I was trying to juggle.

And truthfully, I can feel my stress levels rising just thinking about it. I realize that the reason I was silently nearing burnout was because it was too much. I was pulled in so many directions that I was getting to the point where I was losing myself.

I was also drifting further and further away from my true purpose. Mainly because it had been hijacked with the need to keep myself busy. I remember listening to an episode from my friend’s podcast Sorin’s Soapbox (and by the way, her podcast is dope–check it out if you ever get a chance), and I recall her talking about the importance of not confusing purpose with busyness. The day I announced I was taking a break my anxiety was high and it barely been two hours. At that moment I had a conversation with God and He asked me about my feelings, about what I was so afraid of. In that moment, I told Him,

“If I stop now I’ll have nothing.”

And if I’m doing nothing, then I am nothing. That was how I felt.

Yet He reminded me of so many things during these two weeks away with Him. My identity is not in what I do, but in whose I am. I am a child of God and my identity is in Christ. My purpose is not in my ability or my gifts and talents. Those things are tools that are part of my purpose; they are the ingredients that are a part of my flavor.

So, who am I now?

I’m a Texas girl to my heart and I love K-Pop (I’m AGHASE, by the way). I’m also–at the moment of writing this–a mid-thirty-something who’s slowly seeing her life come together after feeling like a waste of breath and talent for so long. I’m a bottomless treasure chest and every day there are brand new gems appearing within me.

I am a brand of tea customized by God, a unique blend of herbs and spices: spicy like cinnamon and ginger, calm like jasmine with hints of lavender, sweet and floral like raw honey, sharp with bursts of lemon, classy like earl grey, and of course, a mystery ingredient. The one you can’t quite put your finger on, but whatever it is, it’s exquisitely delightful and it brings all of it together in the best way. I’m an acquired taste; only so many will care for me. I wasn’t made to fit everyone’s palate.

(And I don’t care what anyone says. Earl Grey is a classy tea.)

Although I do hope that what I bring wakes up something good in the minds of those who have changed or hid so many things about themselves that they’re afraid to truly be their actual selves.

One thing I’ve come to learn is that you can either let your past experiences build you or torment you.

I know the pain of rejection, being criticized for your choices in music, the way you look, dress, your hair, and everything in between. It hurts when you’re trying to be the version of you everyone likes only to be ridiculed and put through the shredder. No one enjoys that.

But I’ve been tormented long enough.
I’ve been afraid long enough.
And I’m determined not to allow fear to hold me back anymore.

I guess toward the end of my life I’ll be able to say who I am, and even then, who knows.

For now I’m ME gosh darn it. And I’ve got stories to tell.

And to that person who thinks they’re not good enough to do the things they desire to do, that they don’t have any value or that they’re so worthless that couldn’t possibly have a purpose, let alone a reason to live… I want you to know something:

I used to be you. And I want to tell you that all of those things are lies.

So what if you can only do one thing? Work with it, be faithful over what you have, and one day that thing will grow into several more.

If you feel like you don’t have anything, then that’s EXCITING news! You are about to have the best adventure of your life because each new thing you find out about yourself is a wonderful and long-awaited surprise.

Whichever side of the coin you’re on, it’ll be an empowering experience. Though you will have to decide for yourself that you’re going to fight for it. Overcoming self is a fierce battle, but it can be done. I didn’t believe half the stuff I’m doing now was even possible, yet here I am, living proof that it IS possible.

It’s okay if you don’t know what your purpose is yet, that will be revealed in time. In the meantime, I’ll hope you’ll join me along this new adventure.

I’m so excited to see who we all become at the end of this.

This officially concludes the re-reintroduction of me. Thank you for stopping by.

God bless and stay encouraged.