Untitled (POEM)

Today is the anniversary of my baptism.
2 years now, I believe.

I should be smiling
I was, smiling…
Until I thought about my behavior
Considered my sin

Why must I
Have to go through this again?
It’s torturous.

I told someone the other day
That the scariest thing we can ever
—do
Is face ourselves

The ghosts will chase you
The demons will haunt you
They will not relent
Until you repent
But above all else
You must first face yourself
You’ve got to stop running
Where are you going?
Where can you go?
These beasts are internal
And they will chase you down that
—road

I think it’s time I took my own advice

Even now
My heart pounds harder
Than a desperate man working overtime
—just to pay the bills
But…
I remember when God told me
To look to the hills
From whence cometh my help
(Psalm 121:1)

I keep hoping…
Hoping that if I send up enough flares,
If I wave enough red flags
Someone will see something’s wrong
They’ll challenge me
They’ll hold me accountable
However
This ground is littered
With crimson and scarlet,
Frayed thread and blackened casings,
Yet the only person standing here
Is me

I feel so alone
That I’m practically drowning in it
That’s when the Lord reminds me
Just because I don’t see anyone
Physically with me,
Doesn’t mean no one is interceding
He shows me an image
Of people raising me up with their
—hands
“You are being lifted up through prayer.”
You think you’ve fallen,
Never to get up again,
But it is the prayer of loved ones
That is holding you up
“Need I remind you
That My grace IS sufficient enough
And sufficient is the day thereof.”
(II Corinthians 12:9)
(Matthew 6:34)

Truth is
We all want somebody to hold us
—accountable
For the things we should be doing
—ourselves
We want someone else to do it
But looking for accountability from
—others,
Without ever finding it in yourself,
Is like asking people to walk with you
But you never take a step
Let’s be real: you don’t want a walking
—buddy
You want a mover
Someone made like a tank
To push you and your 1 ton
Of spiritual weight

No, I wasn’t looking to be walked with
I was hoping to be dragged

Because I love God
But I love my sin too much
And I thought,
Maybe…
Maybe if someone can push me into
—forward gear
I can finally move forward
However that kind of thing
Isn’t forward motion
It’s slow cruising
And it is taxing on the one
Walking this thing out for themselves
So eventually,
They do leave you
Yet they pray you’ll find the willingness
To do the thing
Which only you can do
For yourself

I recall not that long ago
Reading the story
Of someone in ministry
Openly latching to their sin
While thanking God for being in an
—environment
Where the entire congregation
And the rest of the leaders
All turn their heads
I had so many questions
Burning inside
[How can you do that?]
[That’s hypocritical]
[I know you know the Word,
—because you just quoted it.]
[So how then…?]
[How can you be for God,
—and against Him,
—all at the same time?]
[How can you say you’re in ministry
And be living a double life?]
Only to be called out by Jesus for doing
—the same

[But they-—!]
“And you?”
[But they are—!]
“And you aren’t?”

Finally,
I fell silent
Recognizing my own hypocrisy
And Christ spoke to me,
“Until you can answer those same
—questions
For yourself,
You cannot ask that of someone else.”

And accountability is just the same
It all is
Because it first starts
With you, the individual
It starts with you

I’m entertaining the question:
“Who are you?”

Who are you, really?
If God showed you what He saw
What He sees
Could you handle it?
Would you even want to know?

Lord already knows I certainly do not

Still
I have no time
To be chased by demons and ghosts
I have no time for it

My hand trembles
My legs shake
Dear God, my God I am deathly afraid
But I trust You
And I need You to show me the things
That I must change
Whether I want to see myself
As I am

Or not.