Reconstruction: Ground Zero

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God, am I seriously going to be by myself?

That was the thought that came to mind my first day back to Kids Across America. I learned SO MANY things this summer while working there. The funny thing is, I almost changed my mind and decided not to go.  There were so many hiccups that had popped up prior to going to kamp that I began to wonder if God truly wanted me to go back at all.

Oh, by the way, once you’ve worked at KAA you know why ‘camp’ is spelled with a ‘K’.

(Insert wink here.)

In all seriousness, I was afraid.

Walking onto the kamp grounds and seeing so many new faces, very little old ones, and all these new people in leadership gave me major anxiety.

My best friend wasn’t going to be working beside in the office. She had been offered her dream job back home in Texas.

One of the my dearest, little sisters in Christ was there, but she was going to be working in a different kamp as a counselor. So the possibility of us ever really getting to hang out was unlikely.

At my kamp, I only saw a handful of people I knew come back. Well, actually, less than a handful. All of them I only got to see or speak to in passing.

Suddenly as I made my way towards check in, the joy that had overtaken me seem to dissipate. I just wanted to go to my cabin, keep my head down and…hide.

My age also became apparent, as I wondered, “Who can I really talk to or hang out with? I’m like the oldest staff member here!” I would celebrating my 29th birthday come July.

Overtime though I would find out just how wrong I was about all of that…

Looking back, before coming to KAA, I was a spiritual mess. I think my last piece showed that as I had shared how I had drifted away from the Lord. I was in a place of “good enough.” I showed up to church, I made an appearance, I said grace over my food. Good enough for me, good enough for Jesus.

Sometimes even now, I think I waver between wanting more out of myself—out of God—and settling for good enough.

However, because I know what I know now, there is a conviction on my heart. You see the beautiful thing about Christ is that once you’ve been exposed to the Truth you can’t un-know it. You can’t use those old excuses like you did before or say how impossible it is when Jesus has shown you otherwise.

And that is essentially what happened at kamp.

Entrance of Kids Across America

As I rode in the car with my boss, driving up to the Da DEUCE (the place where I’d be lodging,) feelings of joy were almost destroyed by old memories of pain.

It was at kamp when I received the news that my friend and soror Sandra Bland had passed away. During that time it was the roughest few weeks I ever had; every day feeling like you’re being held together by a single piece of tape, jumbling around and trying very hard not to fall apart.

So, the enemy tried it, “This is where you found out your friend died.”

Yes, I thought, it is…but this is also where I found out that God has me no matter what the situation is, even when I feel completely and utterly alone.

Here, I thought, is where I truly became strong when I was willing to admit how weak I really am, that the true source of my strength is not with me but in the Lord.

Here, I thought, is where I met some of the most amazing people that to this day I’m thankful God allowed to come into my life.

Here, I thought to myself, is where I grew more and more. I learned life lessons, I matured spiritually, I discovered things about myself I didn’t know I even had in me—good and bad. Here I learned that I am more capable than I allowed myself to believe.

And it is because of all those experiences I had there at KAA that I have decided I will share as much as I can with you all in a five part series. This, I would say, is the introduction.

I am truly praying, that in this, God will reach and touch someone else. Maybe He can remind you through this that regardless of whatever it may be, He IS God and He is STILL able.

He never stopped being able to do all things; never has and never will.

I hope I’m able to renew or restore someone’s faith the way God did for me.

Taken at Kids Across America